DO
THE MACC LADS HAVE A BETTER GRASP OF DESERT WARFARE
THAN FIELD MARSHALL LORD BRAMHALL?
From
The Spectator, Sept 21st 2002.
How
easily can Saddam's forces be overcome?
If he is confident that the allies would fight, his tactic
would be to lure troops into Iraqi cities in the hope that
the Americans would not fight house to house with infantry.
If the Americans saw a riflr in a house they would destroy
it with heavy weapons.
Thus Saddam would mass his troops near hospitals and orphanages.
The World outcry would force President Bush to change his
tactics.
This
is why Field Marshall Lord Bramhall and General Sir Michael
Rose
are not convinced an attack on Iraq would succeed.
This
brings them into dispute with the strategic assessment carried
out by the Macc Lads.
The Macc Lads are a rock band which flourished between 1982
and their final concert at Rock City, Nottingham in December
1995. They were called the Macc Lads because they came from
Macclesfield,
and as some readers may be unfamiliar with this ensemble,
they never appeared at the Whigmore Hall,
so far as I can trace.
During the Gulf War they composed and recorded a song which
will be of great value to
Mr Bush and Mr Blair as they move towards their difficult
season.
The song was included on a compilation entitled "Twenty
Golden Crates".
Again, as some readers may be unfamiliar with this song cycle,
it should be explained that "crates" is not a misprint
of "greats" ; it is a reference to beer. Beer inspired
much of their work, rather in the way that champagne inspired
Strauss, Lehar, and Noel Coward.
The lyric in question is as follows:-
There
were a load of smelly Arab twats in Bag-fucking-Dad
With greasy
hair and sweaty bums, they'd never heard of Boddington's
A different culture, a different race- no chippies in the
fucking place
Give us back fat Terry Waite, or get a Doctor Marten in the
face
Eh Up!
They got us backs up without a doubt, time to sort those A-rabs
out
Saddam Hussein lives in fear of real men who can hold their
beer
Eh, eh, eh! The lads are on their way, with their bayonets
and their tommy guns
and their bellies full of Boddington's
Eh up!
Sheep's eyeballs and camel crap is all they eat in Eye-fucking-Rack
But after a scrap with the English Navy
They'll ask for the recipe for chips n gravy
Eh Up!
I have
perforce quoted the work in extenso. This shows the Macc Lads
in contradistinction to, inter alios,
Sir Michael Howard- former Regius professor of Modern History
at Oxford.
In advance of the war, it is not for me to judge between the
Macc Lads and Sir Michael.
But the outcome of the Gulf War vindicated the band's analysis.
The Iraqi forces occupying Kuwait did indeed prove inferior.
They fled.Yet we were assured by Sir Edward Heath and Lord
Healy that forcing the Iraqis out would be full of difficulties.
We would incur great casualties. This did not happen.
Sir Edward and Lord Healy were disproved- some say humiliated-
by the Macc Lads.
Admittedly in Military matters, the Lads were professionals.
They knew the capabilities of our armed forces. We could not
expect Sir Edward to know about Boddington's- a distinguished
Northern beer. Had Sir Edward heard of it, he would have assumed
it to be a London gentleman's club, or, perchance an auction
house.
Now as war looms again, the Macc Lads' judgement will be tested.
We may be sure that in the intervening decade the band have
not changed their opinion of the relative capabilities of
British and Iraqi troops, but the song makes no reference
to US forces.
We do not know the Lads' opinion of them.
American troops will be strangers to Boddington's, and chips
n gravy will not feature in a US Army field kitchen, now dominated
by broccoli. Half the American Infantry are said to be women,
and the Macc Lads do not seem to be feminists.
The Macc Lads prediction last time depended very much on their
view of Arab civilisation, so different from TE Lawrence,
Freya Stark and Wilfred Thesiger. That probably remains unchanged.
The band's opinion- that correctly deployed, the West will
win quickly- has produced an identity of view between the
Lads and the equally gifted Sir John Keegan- defence editor
of the Daily Telegraph. I must emphasise that the Lads' view
of Arab cuisine, personal hygiene and physical appearance
is not necessarily that of Sir John.
If there
is a war, it will be a clash of experts as well as armis.
If Saddam's forces collapse, the Macc Lads will have disproved
Field Marshall Lord Bramhall and most of academe.