Beat, Mutt, Monkey, 1986

"He barged past me, ran up all 3 flights of stairs,rushed into the bog and slammed the door. We heard flabby buttocks hitting toilet seat, followed by farting and shitting noises and 'oooh! fuck! aaaaaggghh! hoo! hooo!' "

Muttley about Sandbach after putting laxatives in everything he ate and drank for an entire day.


"There's something wrong with this town".
A visitor to Sandbach spots the man himself at a bus stop.


"Fuck off! I hate fucking twats asking questions.
Who let you in here anyway?"
The Beater is interviewed, 1991


"'Abdul! Do you have to swear so much? "
The Beater's mother reads an interview in a music paper, 1991.

"Remember that pint of piss that hit you last night during 'Ben Nevis'?
I threw that, it was me girlfriend's."
A fan claims a direct hit, the day after a gig.

"I can't believe how miserable the twat STILL sounds"
Bammy phones The Beater for the first time in 11 Years,
"It was in here when I got in!"
Dan's wife finds him in the bath with a floater
Insufferable little shit
Insipid little cunt
Despicable little twat
Malodorous little arsehole
Wretched little turd
Al O'Peesha describes Liquid Goblin
"Look at this girls.A real man.
Muttley takes his jacket off, Birmingham 1989
"So as I was telling all you men last week, I was in the bath with Simon and Nigel and some spunk floated to the top of the water and I said "Who's farted?".....AAA! HA! HA! THOUGHT YOU'D GOT THROUGH TO THE GAY LINE DID YOU? YOU FUCKING POOF!"
Macc Lads 0898 info line, 1989.
(It transpired that dialing a wrong digit
got you through to a gay helpline)
"See inlay card for details you lazy turd"
Macc Lads cassette label legend

"Never mind.
It'll sound better later when they're being sick in the bass bins"
Muttley, Soundcheck, London,1994

Waitress: "More bacon! More sausages! More eggs!"

Chef: "I just did you more bacon, sausages and eggs"

Waitress: "Some big fat pig just came and ate it all"

After Mungo cleared the cafe out. Trowell Services, 1989

"Hello turds. We hope you had a shite Clitoris and a crappy new Queer.
If you sent us a card, fuck off creepy poof. If you didn't then you're a tight-fisted bastard."
Al O'Peesha, Newsletter to the fan club, Jan 1990

"If that comes to less than twenty quid you're fucking dead"

Determined to beat McCavity's grease record of £19, Mungo terrifies the cashier Hilton Park Services, 1989

Lord Nevis of Ben "You can't have that. Me mum gave me that for Christmas"
A searched fan pleads, after Nevis finds a 6" knife hidden in his boot, Blackburn, 1987

"What the fuck are you lot doing here? Is there nowt good on't telly"?
Muttley's standard opening line at concerts.

"This one's called:

Sucking the pus out of Mother Theresa's piles;
Dig up your dead granny and fuck her up the arse;
Dig up your dead granny and come in her gob;
Licking the mould off a cot death;
Drinking the fat from Jo Brand's liposuction operation"
Muttley's repulsive introductions to at least one song every gig.

"When are we changing the 0898 tape?

Muttley has to stop recording the info line to answer the phone, 1989.

Winston Dread: "Mard, your mum's crap in bed."

"She was alright last night, and she's not as bad as your Dad." Johnny Mard

"Are you going to fucking do any work,
or just lie out here all day doing whale impressions?"

Muttley to Sandbach, Banbury, 1991

"Some cunt's just thrown a bag of hot sick at me"
Muttley, Cheltenham, 1990

Mutts, 1983?

"Bach! Why don't you just smoke after meals?
That way you'd be down to 20 a day"

Slimy Git's advice on cutting down

"Put the kettle on you fat cunt"
A sign lowered on a piece of string from the 1st floor of Hectic House
to K2 who was staring out of the window downstairs.

"He likes fairy cakes and mince pies"

Muttley describes Chorley the Hord

"Me knuckle swelled right up where his tooth cut me fist.
He must have had a right festering gob."
Mussolini, Worthing, 1990

"How come all them birds are talking to Stez?
Fucking drummers get all the birds."

The Beater whinges, 1982-91

"That's the last time you can hit me and I'll consider it friendly" Johnny Mard, 1993

Mard,J  1995

"This has been shat on in Swindon, pissed on in Preston and puked on in Peterborough. It's time for a new one."
Muttley throws his leather into the audience, Blackburn, 1991.

"The first time at least he had the decency to lob his cock out.
The second, he wasn't even capable of that"
Al O'Peesha about Sandbach pissing himself on stage during gigs.

"The only band you can still gob at/
the rock band with more bell-end cheddar than talent/
the Bernard Mannings of pop"
Tag lines to adverts for the Bog and Roll Circus 1990 tour.

"He's so fucking obese that the only way his ankles can get a rest is by breaking"

Winston Dread comments on Ben Nevis and his crutches

"He had to get rid of his cat when his girlfriend got pregnant in case it buried the baby in the sand pit"
tasteful joke about The Beater

Chorley, Abdul & Mutts

"After we filled it up with piss we followed him around for ages waiting
to see him use it. Then we heard "Uugh!" and the sound of the bottle clattering off the wall."
Neil Axminster, after the Lads replaced Sandbach's nasal spray with piss from a blocked toilet

Fan: "I can't read The Beater's handwriting'"

Stez Styx: "That's coz it's written in Arabic"

"Fucking tenth-hand jokes still get a laugh after all these years" - The Beater

What's the difference between Winnie Mandella and a pigeon?
A pigeon gets to sit on Nelson's Column.

Muttley, 1982-6
What's got four legs and goes "Woof!"?
Piper Alpha.
Muttley, 1988-95

Winston Dread: "You have to fake your orgasms"

Al O'Peesha: "I fake my orgasms because you specifically asked me not to come in your mouth"

Winston: "That wasn't my mouth"

Al O'Peesha:"Well what were all those teeth doing down there then?"

Muttley: "I think you'll find they were MY teeth"

Soundcheck, Nottingham Rock City, Dec 1995




L-R Mutt, Dead Cat, McCavity, Hord