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Interview
with The Macc Lads
(Muttley McLad, Stez Styx, the Beater)
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Liquid Goblin
met the original Macc Lads' line-up in The Ivy House pub in Macclesfield
on 31 August 1999.
Over 2 hours
they gave their opinions on gigging again, devastated us with tales
of the systematic torture of stupid roadies and found that they couldn't
stand the sight of each other.
B-
The Beater M- Muttley S- Stez
Is this the first time that you three have been in a room together for
eight years?
B- (Points at Dictaphone) I’m not speaking with that thing running.
For how long did Bach think he’d been raped by Al O’Peesha?
S- About four years.
M- O’Peesha was in and out of hospital with that heart business, and we
saved all the letter headings. So Bach gets a letter from the hospital....
S- “Dear Sir, we are trying to trace all the previous sexual partners of
Mr A O’Peesha...
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M- He rang Slippery, sobbing down the phone...
B- “I’ve been raped and now I’ve got AIDS!” Stupid fat git.
S- The best bit was that Bach’s dad opened the letter-
B- Well someone had to read it to him.
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S- Why did Bach never twig? Every waking minute, he had someone behind him
with a video camera! I mean, the morning after the ‘rape’ he wakes up,
with fiery jack up his arse, he rolls over, sees a tub of Vaseline, sits
up, there’s a used johnny on the floor, and someone’s filming him!
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Who actually smeared the stuff up his arse?
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S- Al and Slippery prised his cheeks apart, and I squeezed the tube in and
we all let go. Slap! |
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Whose fault was it that Beater left?
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B- Eh? That’s nowt to do with you. You’re here to buy the ale. |
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What
happened to Bach in Blackburn?
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S- That was where we put Bach in a lift. Except it wasn’t a lift, it was
broom cupboard: “Go to the basement, Bach.” |
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M- He’s probably still there.
B- Oi! My glass is empty!
S- The first time we left Bach was on the M1. The roadies kicked him out
of the van on the slip road. We laughed all the way to Birmingham, except
McCavity. All he said was: “You tight cunts!”
M- McCavity was thinking: “Next gig- that’s me!”
B- Come on, whose round is it?
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The ‘Sex Pies and Videotape’ gig was great, but Polygram fucked around with
the video...
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M- There’s some law about linking sex and violence, so “Stabbed her gudnt
with me mutton dagger” was cut- so ‘Sweaty Betty’ had to go. The end result
was nearly as rude as a school choir. |
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B- One gig in Southport, you and me staged this big scrap, and after it
one of us left...
S- It was me. We told Bach he’d have to play drums. He stayed up all night
practising.
M- Christ, he was so gullible! Everywhere he went he was gullible. He could
write a book...
S- If he could write.
M- Gullible’s Travels.
B- I can’t remember anything. Its all rubbish. I’m going to the bar.
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Muttley told me the only thing he wouldn’t let you do to Bach was feed him
mercury.
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S- I was told that if you swallow some mercury, you lose control of ALL
bodily functions. There were so many things we did to him .... Making him eat a kebab with
forty dogends in it... Ah, memories! But I’d still like to give him
some mercury...
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Do you know anyone who’s had that done to them?
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S- I think its something Goebbels used to try.
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B- You can’t get mercury out of your body once its in.
S- Its not my body.
M- More beer!
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What’s the best Macc Lads song?
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S- ‘Miss Macclesfield’. Great intro. Great ending. What happens in the middle
don’t fucking matter. |
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M- And a nice ‘fuck off’ bit that the fans always get wrong.
B- ‘Apprentice Dentist’- Only two chords.
M- You liked ‘Knutsford’ for the half- hour guitar solo.
B- I never liked solos. But I never told you.
M- I liked ‘Man in the Boat’.
B- I never told you, but I never knew how to play that. I just fudged me
way through .
M- Great! 10 years after the LP comes out, he tells us why he went ‘widdle
widdle’ all the way through.
S- Back to his sitar roots.
B- That version of ‘Bloik!’ on the Salisbury bootleg- brilliant. The best
version we’ve ever done.
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You kicked me up the arse at that gig.
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B- That’s what you’re there for. Anyway, shut up, its your round.
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What was the best venue?
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B- What was that place in Leicester that I liked? |
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M- The Mosque?
S- Retford Porterhouse was good.
M- Ah, Retford.... Remember when we
said: “Bach! I bet you can’t drink all those 36 cans of Special
brew!” and the fat git said: - “Bet you I can!”
S- It took four of us to carry him out to the van- he was comatose!
M- We thought he’d puke, so Stez put Bach’s head in a binbag. We stopped
for grease, and couldn’t wake him up.
S- I was panicking, thinking he’d suffocated-I was twatting fuck out of
him with a mikestand: “Wake up you fat twat!”
B- When I took the bag off his head, it was full of sick.
M- We got back to Macc, turfed Bach out of the van, and he did a power vomit.
He hit the other pavement: “Blaaaaagh!”
S- So, next gig: “Bach! Bet you can’t drink all that rider!”
- “Bet you I can!”
B- He still rings me up. Always at inconvenient times.
S- You mean prayer times?
B- Fuck off.
S- Somebody get me another pint- I’m feeling violent.
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Did you ever get groupies?
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B- Every band gets groupies.
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M- What sort of woman wants to shag a bloke covered in piss with their eyes
glued together by someone else’s phlegm?
S- MY sort of woman.
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Beater, did anything ever happen to you?
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B- No, never.
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S- If we played any tricks on Beater, the miserable bastard would have left.
Again.
B- The fans were always chucking piss at us. But I never left coz of
that. I think I got off quite lightly. Muttley got most of it. Hundreds
of fans chucking piss and bottles at you, then they come in the dressing
room going: “Hey Lads! Great gig!” Like they’re your best mates or something.
M- Or they phoned the shop the next day. ..
B- Yeah: “Hey! That bottle that hit you during ‘Party’ last night? That
was me!” ... Twats.
S- I rang Beater earlier about coming here, and he goes: “Oh I can’t be
fucking arsed...” So I said: “I don’t have to kidnap you in the boot
of the Viva again, do I?”
M- Oi! Its your shout again, you little turd.
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Why are so many people still into the band?
The E-Mails we get are from 16-25 year olds.
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M- What’s an E-mail? |
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S- There's never been a band like us- playing in a blizzard of bottles
and snot and piss!
B- Yeah, but they don’t know that. The youngsters have never seen us.
S-Well, what band can they lash ale and piss and bottles and chairs at?
Nobody! Other bands walk off if you do that. I know. I’ve tried it.
M- There are too many musicians around and not enough entertainers.
B- There was some cunt in America who used to slash himself with broken
glass...
S- Our fans did that for us.
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Are you going to gig again?
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B- You’re the only fan left. |
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S- Get another round in.. you never know....
B- I don’t think I’ve played a chord for about 4 months- since she
stuck me axe in the attic.
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Any regrets?
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M- We should have got more ale at last orders.
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S- Not putting mercury in Bach’s pint.
B- Just wish I’d never done it in the first place.
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