BEERSEXCHIPS N GRAVYMACC
Macc. English Dictionary
OFF LICENCE

MACCULTURE: A to Z

Quotes taken from the Macclesfield English Dictionary (MED)


A   B   C   D   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   R   S   T   V   W-Z


Sandbach
(Pronounced Sand Batch)
a) A service station on the M6.
b) The most useless, stupid, fat and cretanic roadie ever employed by the Band.
Dressed by his mother, tourists visit and gape in awe.
3. A Cheshire village responsible for the interbreeding of (b).
Sex, Pies and Videotape
A video released in 1992. Due to cuts enforced by the film company, it is a timid affair
-but well worth a look- if only for Sandbach's dance during the closing credits.
Sheepless Nights
An EP released in 1988, featuring No Sheep 'til Buxton;
I Live in a Wool de Sack;
and Mary Had a Little Problem,
- ovine humour ran riot.
Adverts proclaimed: Flock and Roll; Sheep at Half the Price;
In All Good Record Chops Now!

The roadies were renamed Flockstock and Pen Nevis;
and the manager was forced to sign his name as Slimy Dip.
Shakesbeer, William (1564-1616)
Macc's own Elizabethan bard. His first play Richard the Turd (1589) was totally ignored.
As were subsequent offerings, Ale's Well, Bell End's Well, and the curry-house comedy Twelfth Shite.
His illegitimate offspring (with Baggy Anne Hathaway)- Smuttley Mucklad- was more successful.
Shit, Edward
Real name: Edvard Scheitzenhausen.
A toilet cleaner and pub singer from Aintree. His act consisted of singing Beatles songs whilst defecating on stage. Early favourites included: "She Loves Poo", "And Your Turd Can Stink", "Being for the Benefit of Mr Shite" and "Shit Came in Through the Bathroom Window". Mr Shit was last seen on stage with the RLSC (Royal Lavatorial Shakesbeer Co.) in a production of "Toilet and Cressida".
MORE SHIT
Shrigley, Pot
Pot became a garage mechanic as he could do the "Fffff" (sharp intake of breath) very well.
He looked after the Ladsí vans until he was whisked away to join Nigel Mansell's F1 team.
On Pot's first Grand Prix, Mansell screamed into the pits, 9.7 seconds behind first place:
"Smooth tyres now!"
Pot replied: "Fffff....Thursday?"

Smells, Awesome
Mr Smells had to have his Macc Lads teeshirts specially made.
A photo exists of Awesome sitting on his low-loader with Ben Nevis on one knee, and K2 on the other.
Sadly, he could only attend open air concerts- and only when it rained,
as he must be kept moist at all times.

Softy, Thomas (1840-1928)
Effeminate novelist and poet- run out of town by the Styx Clan.
He settled in Dorset and wrote pacifist books, including Far From The Laddish Crowd
and Jude the Fairly Well-Known.

Stammer
Cartoonist, Hectic House dogsbody, and the most fertile man this side of Wythenshawe.
Being a 'thinny', Stammer was useless at lying. When he looked after the shop on his own, the phone was not answered all day. When Slimy returned the following morning, there was no money in the till, and Stammer had a brand new leather jacket.
"Stammer! Did you fuck off into Manchester with all the money yesterday?"
"Nnnnnn No!"

Strict, Stella
A school teacher who toured with the Band, sang "Two Stroke Edward"
and caned the Lads when they didn't drink enough.

Stuart Rod
A gay musician with hits such as: "This Old Arse of Mine", "I Was Only Jockeying",
"You're in My Arse, You're in My Hole", "Young Turds"
and "Vaseline Alley".
Stu had to leave the area when confronted with...

Styx, Stephen
The hardest man in Macc, or Manchester, or Grimsby,
or whichever town he happened to be in.
He has spent much of his adult life in prisons for battering
"more than his fair share" of poofs, tunnel testers,
orifice officers, and bravers of the Bournville Boulevard.
When at large, he sometimes played the drums.

GERROFF YER POOF

Sweaty Betty
Descended from a long line of large ladies.
It is said that Betty's ancestor, (Sweaticus Betticus) invented alcohol in order to breed.
After retiring from the sewage farm, Betty has had various jobs
as an EEC lard mountain, a ski resort and a bus garage.

Tankie
An extremely hard, well-built roadie. He moved slowly, always wore caterpillars,
and had a revolving turret on his shoulders. Why he was called 'Tankie' remains a mystery.

Tar Macc
A black substance invented in Macclesfield, made from dead poofs and treacle.
It is used to cover road surfaces where all the cobblestones have been eaten by kids.

Tractor
A PA man from Zummerzet who had a beard, chewed hay, and married his mother.
Vauxhall Viva
A car which appears in various episodes of The Sweeney.
Muttley got one from a scrapyard in 1981.
It served as tourbus and passion wagon for 5 years.
The suspension gave way when Barrel got in.

Vile, Oscar (1856-1900)
Macc-born poet and dramatist. He wrote Lady Windermere's Fanny (1892) and
The Importance of Being Offensive (1895), but he is best known for his witty comments:-
When US Customs asked if he had anything to declare, he replied: "No".
His last words were: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I'll kick your fucking head in."

Vitamins
Essential to the daily diet:-
Vitamin A = Ale. Vitamin B = Beer. Vitamin B12 = Lots of Beer.
Vitamin C = Chips. Vitamin D = Drink. Vitamin N = Fags.

Weddings
Excellent beer drinking experiences, provided you are NOT the groom.
The most celebrated wedding took place in 1984, when a vicar asked Muttley if he
would like to spend the rest of his life with a big ale. Naturally, Muttley said: "Yes".

So Muttley got hitched to Abigail Braithwaite, but managed to weasel his way out of it within the month.

Welsh
A noise made by Druids.
Too lazy to make up their own language, they have collected all the unused letters from English-
(e.g. The 'G' from 'bough' and all the 'L's from various branches of Lloyds Bank).
Thus, in translation:  Llangollen
= 'Dump', Rhyl = 'Dump' and Gwynedd = 'Dump'.

Whacko
(Aka Jimmy Edwards).
An ever present female fan with a 'tache of walrus proportions.

Wildlife
Macc had a host of indigenous creatures-
see EXTINCT SPECIES
Wilf
A Potter and a PA man, permanently toilet bound.
His favourite foods were botulism, salmonella and mildew.
Bill Withers
Bill was at every gig, and everybody thought he was with someone else.
Slimy had arranged for a Bristol curry house to stay open for 19 people,
(band, roadies, support act, PA, and lighting crew). Bill came along too.
The Beater didn't have a seat, because there were twenty people.
The miserable Asian enquired: "Is Bill with us?"
Young Man
A spotty youth who followed the Lads around and learned the ropes.
Later he sprouted a ludicrous afro wig, discovered hemp, and adopted the name
Winston Dread.

ZZ Top
Every alphabetical list ends with ZZ Top.

 
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