MACCLESFIELD WILDLIFE The vast waste of Macclesfield Forest was inhabited by a plethora of native species ....until the coming of the Beatermaccs... EXTINCT SPECIES 1. The Ssoftvark A small mammal which dwelt in the dense woodland undergrowth. Its long snout was well-adapted for snuffing out insects and larvae. However, the Ssoftvark refused to go near any creepy-crawlies, and would only eat Ambrosia Creamed Rice Pudding. The last sighting of this shy creature was in 1242. 2. The Sanitary Owl A white flightless bird with red spotting. Only seen for a few days every month. During this time it was so irrational and bad tempered that shopkeepers refused to sell it any of its favourite foods- ice cream and chocolate. Its habitat has been invaded by owls with wings. 3.The White Dogshit A slow- moving, slug-like parasite that would attach itself to the soles of shoes. For centuries nothing could remove these creatures - until the invention of the living room carpet, which arrived in Macc in the latter years of the Twentieth Century. Last confirmed sighting: 1985. 4. The Bombay Duck A regular visitor from the Indian Subcontinent, they made their homes in restaurants and take-aways, where they would lie undisturbed for years. However, the Bombay Duck was first hunted by William Shakesbeer (1564-1616). A host of poets, lyricists and stand-up comedians followed suit, (See also: Tit; Thrush; Cock; Trouser Snake; Bearded Clam; Beaver; Pussy ). These predators made the species almost extict, but survivors were finally killed off by the introduction of the Duck Filled Platypus in 1998. 5. The Maccrell A boneless, scaleless fish native to the River Bollin. It had white flesh, a crispy golden skin, and enjoyed swimming in boiling hot fat. Certain subspecies were found covered in vinegar and mushy peas. Hunted to extinction by Gordon in the Eighteenth Century. 6. The Hamsterhead Shark A fierce, nocturnal predator that hunted in the River Bollin. Up to 15' long, the sight of its triangular fin would terrify medieval fishermen. During the day it would exercise on a little wheel and feed off its prey which it stored in cheek pouches. 7. The Adder The adder or viper thrived in Macc Forest for thousands of years until the coming of the motor car. When BMW bought Rover in the 1990s, these snakes were hunted to extinction. Clever German scientists identified their ability to remove rainwater from glass, and are now referred to as Vindscreen Vipers. 8. The Woofter Identified by its extremely tasteful and tidy den, mincing gait, and passion for halves of lager and fairy cakes. This limp-wristed vegetarian can still be found in dense concentrations further South, notably London (180 miles SE) and Brighton (230 m SE). Also known as the Brown Hatter, Turd Burglar, Oriface Officer, Rectum Rifler, Buttockbasher, Shirtlifter, Sausage Jockey, Tunnel Tester, Uphill Gardener and Taster of the Teatowel Holder:- the Woofter is now extinct in Macc, although migrations to local branches of Ikea occur at weekends. Credit for this act of genocide must go to a Mr S. Styx of Broken Cross, ably assisted by J.Mard and a large hammer. BACK TO THE A-Z