MACCULTURE: A to Z
taken from the Macclesfield English Dictionary (MED)
The Lads producer. Baldy's favourite thing was recording the pub noise.
When all the tracks were done, he brought beer in from the pub next door,
invited people round, and recorded the 'party'.
Baldy used this time to get even with people.
He would talk into the microphones and leave incriminating statements on the record.
Listen closely, and you will hear:
"Your Mick smokes dope, Mrs Gratton."
"Hey, Turner! Pete Duffy shagged your wife six years ago."
"Barbara! Ask your Dave what he does on a Tuesday night." Etc.
Sad, bald git.
A support act from Liverpool.
The Flab Four spent too much time eating to do many concerts,
but their zany antics and moptop haircuts were a hit with both of their fans.
Memorable songs include Strawberry Meals, Here Comes the Bun
and I am the Walnut.
Slimy received a demo tape from an act with one joke... Nothing unusual about that...
FTO sang songs about eating, whilst eating.
This amused Slimy so much, he signed them up for an LP to include the tracks:
'Gravy Love'(Diana Ross & the Chicken Supremes), 'Living on a Pear' (Bun Jovi),
'Brown Eyed Handsome Flan' (Pudding Trolley), and several songs by The Eatles:
'Give Peas a Chance', 'I Wanna Hold Your Ham' and 'The Salad of John & Yoke'.
However, the contract included provision for two bottles of meths...
and McCavity was found out.
Fat & Flatulent
An EP released in 1986. Recorded at Porky Pig's in Salford.
Arguments flared between the Beater and Mr Pig... and the studio was destroyed.
Bleats to the Baa
A video released in 1988, as part of the promotion for the hit single Pie Taster c/w No Sheep 'til Buxton. Unable to resist pathetic punnery, Muttley McLad, The Beater and Chorley the Hord became Mutton McLamb, The Bleater and Farmy the Yard.
Beer to Eternity
An LP released in 1989. The white one.
This was the best selling album, going straight to No 1
in the Chart for Rude Three-Piece Bands From Northern Towns
Beginning with 'M' that Aren't 'Manchester',
(because that's a city).
Nephew of Slimy, and No 2 in the Hectic House hierarchy.
Slippery was in charge of merchandise,
and all financial dealings on tour:
Punter: "Can I have a teeshirt, please?"     Slippery: "£5 each"
Punter: "Can you change a £20?"           Slippery: "Yeah. Here's 4 teeshirts."
Macc O'Polo trod the Silk Road in the Middle Ages. He brought back silk, spices, and Gordon.
A wattle and daub hovel was set up on the banks of the Bollin selling flied lice and reeches.
When potatoes were brought back from the New World, Gordon was the first person to slice them,
coat them in grease and pour animal fat over them. Thus chips n gravy was born, and Gordon's
flourished for 400 years, until fur was found in a cod fillet in 1992.
Richard loved gimmicks- car stickers; hats with "clapping hands" attached; car horns
that played "Dixie"; "I'm with this idiot" teeshirts... Yup: he was a dick.
A record shop, record label, management company and where the Lads lived.
The building stood on Sunderland St from 1790 until its remains were demolished after a party in 1993.
A huge half-wit who dribbled continually.
He was brought in to play bass guitar in 1986, but couldn't find his way home after the rehearsal.
He was unable to play the bass, or even plug it in.
Thus Slimy's attempt to find a bassist who drank less than Muttley came to nought.
Harold's cheeky brother, and roadie. "Lend us ten bob, or I'll set fire to me chest hair!"
"Give us a quid, or I'll eat this mouse!"
He spends lengthy periods in hospital, and is always skint.
The drummer who played most gigs, pulled most girls, and had the biggest hair.
Despite playing in the filthiest, hardest and most disgusting pop group that the
world has ever seen, Chorley was always a pansy :
"Does my hair look alright?" and "Does my arse look big in these?"
The Lads would tut and scour the 'Drummers Available' adverts in Jones'.
Occasional roadie whose haircut looked like Howard Jones' houseplant.
(NB: Howard Jones- a popstar with a ludicrous barnet, famous in the period 1984-84).
Also known as 'Teddy Bear' for his stumpy limbs.
Igor was a long serving roadie, and longer serving Millwall supporter.
Many is the time he would scream: "Millwall!" and attack opposing fans
- usually at Macc Town v Altrincham matches.
A nightclub situated next to the Bear's Head, primarily for hardened drinkers
who had failed to "pull" during normal licensing hours. Now a carpet shop.
Mother of Jailbait. Followed the band all over the country, despite the slight handicap of serving
a prison term at the time. She would escape, steal a car, see the gig, replace the car exactly
where she found it, and sneak back to her cell. Slimy still charged her full price.
Macclesfield's premier music shop.
They supplied the band with all their gear, and mended all the broken equipment:
"Muttley? Your amp's fixed."        "Oh, goody! What was up with it?"
"Oh nothing much ... once we'd cleaned out three pints of piss, some portions of pig,
the fanny batter and a bit of the vomit... it was fine."
Huge, lazy, blubbery thing who 'worked' at Hectic House and roadied occasionally.
He refused to take parcels to the Post Office (too far), refused to go in the office
(too many stairs), and refused to go to concerts (too hot).
The Lads communicated from the top floor by lowering signs down the outside of the building.
K2 would be gazing out of the shop window, when a large placard would appear in front of him:
'Get the kettle on -you fat cunt.'
A 'Gothic Monstrosity' who attached herself to Chorley and wouldn't let go. For 4 years.
Although a lecherous, perverted, crusty old git, Knobby could actually play the guitar quite well. He learned chords so that he could go to scout camps and play 'Gin Gang Gooly' to small boys in shorts. His guitar was always immaculate, as he licked it clean after each concert. However, after a handful of gigs, 'that miserable Pakistani' didn't seem so bad, and the Beater was reinstated.
At Leeds- The Macc Lads- (the who?)
An LP released in 1988. The blue one. This was the first Lads' album to appear
on that new- fangled C.D. format. It will never catch on.
For a fatty, Lockstock was curiously reliable, and quite hard. He had a wonderfully funny shape.
(see 'Fat Chart'). He was not lazy enough for the big time, and his fat was a bit too solid and muscly. Lockstock often saved the Lads from dressing room invasions by desperate female fans.
Strangely, the Lads never thanked him for these heroic deeds.