FAT CHART
From
time to time, votes were cast in the 'Fat Sweep'.
This was to ensure that the roadies were always kept on their toes,
because:-
- The roadies
could not see their toes without bending over at a jaunty angle.
- They could
not be allowed to 'go to pot'- i.e. become too thin, muscular,
or clever.
- All roadies
must be kept in tip-top shape for purposes of ridicule and belittlement.
Hence, points were
awarded in various categories:-
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1. Obesity
Roadies must be severely overweight.
They were weighed before AND after indulging in a Great Grease Binge.
A maximum of 30 points is available in this category.
2.
Shape.
A good roadie must be a funny shape. It was no good just being fat,
extra points could be earned,
for instance, if they were the shape of a beach ball, a slug, or
an amusing sea creature.
3. Stupidity.
Showing any knowledge of geography, electronics, mechanics or any
other useful skills
was severely frowned upon.
4. Diet.
Points were lost if any roadie was spotted indulging in rabbit food,
soft drinks or small portions.
5. Lying.
A very important category. It must be remembered that Barrel had
told us of a string of illegitimate children, two years in prison,
two years in borstal, three years at university, and a career on
the oil rigs, when he was still nineteen. This showed excellent
promise.
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6.
Softness.
A perfect roadie will regale us all with tales of violence...
but only pick fights with people half their size,
preferably female, in wheelchairs.
7.
Smell.
A new category introduced to enable K2 to at least
compete for a European place.
8.
Farts.
These must be legion.
They must choke all respiratory vents,
be visible, and destroy tooth enamel.
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For the
first time the final league table can be revealed...
As we can see, some of our favourites have let themselves down badly...
Mungo was far too hard... Killingman Giro simply never got the hang
of a good lie...
Lockstock failed to impress with any signs of stupidity...
... and Tankie had to have points deducted for simply not trying
in most categories...
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THE
FAT CHART
| NAME |
OBCT |
SHAPE |
STUPID |
DIET |
LYING |
SOFT |
SMELL |
FART |
TOTAL |
| Sandbach |
19 |
11 |
15 |
13 |
10 |
12 |
06 |
09 |
095 |
| Mungo |
19 |
09 |
02 |
14 |
02 |
00 |
01 |
05 |
052 |
| K.2. |
27 |
14 |
03 |
03 |
14 |
15 |
15 |
04 |
095 |
| Tankie |
00 |
00 |
03 |
03 |
02 |
00 |
00 |
02 |
010 |
| Barrel |
26 |
14 |
11 |
09 |
15 |
15 |
15 |
09 |
114 |
| Lockstock |
19 |
12 |
00 |
01 |
02 |
00 |
00 |
09 |
043 |
| K-Man Giro |
29 |
10 |
03 |
10 |
02 |
00 |
05 |
07 |
066 |
| Ben Nevis |
23 |
10 |
04 |
10 |
15 |
12 |
12 |
15 |
101 |
| Slob |
16 |
04 |
04 |
09 |
00 |
08 |
02 |
05 |
048 |
| Blub |
16 |
04 |
03 |
10 |
00 |
03 |
12 |
14 |
062 |
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Analysis
Positions have fluctuated over the years:
the table has been topped by both Ben Nevis and Sandbach.
We can see that it is consistency which has gleaned Barrel
the title of "Finest Fatty".
Despite being only the third fattest, when it came to 'funny
shape'
he showed his true mettle.
Even though he was out-farted and out-eaten by Ben Nevis, and although
Bach
was infinitely more stupid, Barrel was just too soft for them all.
And, of course, his complex web of lies, tall tales,
exaggerations, fables and porkies was probably what won him the
prize at the end.
Sadly, Barrel
was unable to collect his trophy.
He now lives in a palace in Thailand with his wives, all of whom
are models.
.....Why he goes shopping at Kwiksave in Thornton Square with his
mum
every Friday is a mystery...
But playboy millionaires are allowed the odd eccentricity, are they
not?
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