Macc. English Dictionary


From time to time, votes were cast in the 'Fat Sweep'.
This was to ensure that the roadies were always kept on their toes, because:-

  • The roadies could not see their toes without bending over at a jaunty angle.
  • They could not be allowed to 'go to pot'- i.e. become too thin, muscular, or clever.
  • All roadies must be kept in tip-top shape for purposes of ridicule and belittlement.
Hence, points were awarded in various categories:-

1. Obesity

Roadies must be severely overweight.
They were weighed before AND after indulging in a Great Grease Binge.
A maximum of 30 points is available in this category.

2. Shape.
A good roadie must be a funny shape. It was no good just being fat, extra points could be earned,
for instance, if they were the shape of a beach ball, a slug, or an amusing sea creature.

3. Stupidity.
Showing any knowledge of geography, electronics, mechanics or any other useful skills
was severely frowned upon.

4. Diet.
Points were lost if any roadie was spotted indulging in rabbit food,
soft drinks or small portions.

5. Lying.
A very important category. It must be remembered that Barrel had told us of a string of illegitimate children, two years in prison, two years in borstal, three years at university, and a career on the oil rigs, when he was still nineteen. This showed excellent promise.


6. Softness.
A perfect roadie will regale us all with tales of violence...
but only pick fights with people half their size,
preferably female, in wheelchairs.

7. Smell.
A new category introduced to enable K2 to at least
compete for a European place.

8. Farts.
These must be legion.
They must choke all respiratory vents,
be visible, and destroy tooth enamel.


For the first time the final league table can be revealed...
As we can see, some of our favourites have let themselves down badly...
Mungo was far too hard... Killingman Giro simply never got the hang of a good lie...
Lockstock failed to impress with any signs of stupidity...
... and Tankie had to have points deducted for simply not trying in most categories...

Sandbach 19 11 15 13 10 12 06 09 095
Mungo 19 09 02 14 02 00 01 05 052
K.2. 27 14 03 03 14 15 15 04 095
Tankie 00 00 03 03 02 00 00 02 010
Barrel 26 14 11 09 15 15 15 09 114
Lockstock 19 12 00 01 02 00 00 09 043
K-Man Giro 29 10 03 10 02 00 05 07 066
Ben Nevis 23 10 04 10 15 12 12 15 101
Slob 16 04 04 09 00 08 02 05 048
Blub 16 04 03 10 00 03 12 14 062

Positions have fluctuated over the years:
the table has been topped by both Ben Nevis and Sandbach.
We can see that it is consistency which has gleaned Barrel the title of "Finest Fatty".
Despite being only the third fattest, when it came to 'funny shape'
he showed his true mettle.
Even though he was out-farted and out-eaten by Ben Nevis, and although Bach
was infinitely more stupid, Barrel was just too soft for them all.
And, of course, his complex web of lies, tall tales,
exaggerations, fables and porkies was probably what won him the prize at the end.

Sadly, Barrel was unable to collect his trophy.
He now lives in a palace in Thailand with his wives, all of whom are models.
.....Why he goes shopping at Kwiksave in Thornton Square with his mum
every Friday is a mystery...
But playboy millionaires are allowed the odd eccentricity, are they not?