THE MACCLESFIELD RECIPE BOOK

CONTENTS

I

Barrel Says:-
"No better way to round off a serious trough-out than with my own recipe for vanilla slices. Here's a step by step guide:"
1. Go to Palin's on Park Lane.
2. Order nine vanilla slices
3. Eat immediately.
Serves one.
Ingredients: Vanilla Slices, large paper bag.

CONTENTS

II

This does not have a rigid recipe:
(some leeway allowed- depending on what veg is in season).
McCavity says:-
"Forget bins. The sort of twat that uses a bin is the sort of twat that eats everything.
The best bits of salad are found in trails leading from kebab houses after midnight.
Once you've got your greens, you'll need some protein.
The best place for this is round the back of Kwok Lai's.
Follow the cats, they lead you to choice fish heads,
and, if you're lucky, a nice maggoty spring roll.
The skip at the back of the butcher's is a good place to snaffle
the odd chop, though you might have to fight for it with a poodle or two."
Serving Suggestion:
A McCavity salad is best served cold, off newspaper or a bin lid, and al fresco-
on a park bench for instance. Wash it down with meths or co-op economy cider.

CONTENTS

III

1. Steal a few pounds of King Edwards.
B. Insert a few razor blades.
3. Go to the pub and drink a hundred pints.
4. Wander down to the chippie, and push to the front of the queue.
5. Say: "What the fuck are you looking at?
Want some of this do yer?"
6. Allow to simmer.
7. Hit people indiscriminately for 20 minutes-
using the King Teds, fists, feet and forehead.
8. Collect six bags of chips. Eat immediately. Serves one.

CONTENTS

IV

Nell says:
"Full of protein, but an aquired taste.
Best served hot (around body temperature),
and swallowed in one gulp.
Its just like eating salty oysters mixed with washing up liquid.

1.Firstly select a lump of meat. Always go for the biggest.
2.The next thing to do is deal with the packaging.
This comes in various shapes and sizes, is totally useless, and there is nothing whatsoever you can do with it when you've finished. You only want what's inside.
C. Sometimes your yoghurt will arrive with a cheese topping.
This should be savoured.
D. Consume the yoghurt straight from the packaging, just suck it straight out.
5. If the meal doesn't last very long, and you're still peckish. Have another."

CONTENTS

V

"All the pissed-up laycist bastars come in my shop an picking fight with my daughter.
She only fy year old. They sick all over floor an they argue wi themself in mirror.
Gordon say it time for glavy...
You will need:
Senokot, prunes, all bran, Guinness and a meat cully from Balti in Park Green.
Eat whole fucking lot, and wait for thirty minutes.
Soon, glavy ready.
Serve hot, serves loads."

CONTENTS

VI

Ingredients: Rizlas, cardboard (best from a Bob Marley LP), red leb, and a numby.
Winston says: " Yeah, respeck, 'im was largin' it and 'im cool. Jamaica. Innit?"

CONTENTS

VII

1. Crawl to kitchen.
2. Lie on back with mouth open.
3. Point at open mouth.
4. Bawl.
5. Put on bib.
6. Refuse to eat until food arrives on plastic spoon, accompanied by aeroplane noises.
Ingredients: Various jars marked 'Cow and Gate'.

CONTENTS

VIII

1. Find a pig.
2. Pour huge amounts of alcohol into it.
3. Feed it chips.
4. Take it home.
5. Eat it.

CONTENTS

IX

Chorley says:
"First of all you need to wear the right clothes, and make sure your hair looks nice.
Blouses with frilly cuffs are good, and nice shoes that don't clash with anything.
Get a nice pair of earrings, a decent pinny,
and its important to use the right aftershave.
Once you're looking good, then make the cakes. Use cake-mix, or flour or whatever."

CONTENTS

X

Ingredients:- Crisps, Sledgehammer.
1. Go to pub....
2. Get a round in....
3. Ask if anyone wants any crisps...
4. If anyone says: "No", and then, when you offer them a crisp...
... has the temerity to take one.....
5. Reach for the sledgehammer.

CONTENTS

XI

1. Arrive after midnight, order 48 pints, talk in loud voices.
2. Shout "Oi! Gunga Din!" at all the waiters and giggle alot.
3. Order shellfish and make jokes about crushed Asians.
4. Ask the waiters if they've just washed their hair and laugh a dead lot.
5. Ask the waiters if its hot in the kitchen, and laugh a dead dead lot.
6. Ask the waiter if his cat has ever buried his kids in the sandpit.
7. When he arrives, call the policeman 'cunt stubble'.
8. Vomit copious amounts in the back of the panda.
9. Recant 1-8 to your mates ad infinitum.

CONTENTS

XII

1. Wake around 10am, press bell, order taxi for prostitute.
2. Read Financial Times.
3. Select kedgeree, kippers, bacon,
eggs and toast from silver salvers.
4. Consume at leisure, serves one.

CONTENTS

XIII

17

1. Get someone to place 4lb lard in a mixing bowl.
2. Tell them to stir it.
3. Add more lard, and mix well. Allow to stand.
5. Get them to wake you up when ready. Serves one.

CONTENTS