HISTORY OF THE MACC LADS - III

BELL END CHEDDAR

1991

Jan 91: War breaks out. 1000 teeshirts are despatched to the troops bearing the slogan:
              Fuck Off Argy Bastards- possibly old stock of Slimy's.
             (He claims its Arabic for Free Kuwait- with every 4million gallons).

Feb 91: Slimy signs a video deal with Polygram. The Lads get £10 each.
             Slimy builds a new swimming pool.

Mar 91: Twenty Golden Crates compilation LP released in lots of smelly foreign countries
             where they don't understand a single lyric.

Apr 91: One Horse Town Tour visits lots of horrid small towns. Bach gets left behind in most
             of them. Lads get banned from Norwich (sob!)

May 91: The Lads leave Sandbach in Dublin with no clothes or money.
              Oh how they laughed over their cheap beer on the ferry.

Jun 91: A concert in Manchester is recorded for Sex Pies and Videotape. Many pies appear.
            Polygram edit out all the rude bits. The finished video is very short, so...

Jul 91: Spoof ads are recorded to 'pad it out a bit'. One advert is for The Bell End Cheddar-
            a cheese shop selling smegma and gusset cheese from the stars.

Aug 91: High level meetings at Polygram decide to axe jokes about Red Leicester Piggot and
             Ched Adair. Attempts to replace 'dogshit' with 'dogdirt' cause Muttley to become violent.
             Slimy threatens to publish photos from a Bournemouth hotel.'Dogshit' stays. Yip!

Sep 91: The Lads discover that their beer fund has been raided.
             Muttley accuses Stez.
             Stez accuses The Beater.
             Mr Git is nowhere to be seen.

Oct 91: Release of Turtle's Head EP. Songs recorded by McLad and O'Peesha as the Lads are
            not speaking. Slimy spotted on a yacht with either a fat cheque, or a fat Czech.

Nov 91: 10 Years Lafter Tour begins at Cambridge. The Beater leaves half way through after
              Stez slipped a pork sausage into his curry.

Dec 91: Al O'Peesha is promoted to guitarist. At the 10th Birthday gig at Blackburn, Al pushes
              Bach into a cupboard and tells him its a lift. The Lads fuck off home, Bach is still waiting
              to reach the basement...

BALTI TOWERS

1992

Jan 92: The Beer Fund is empty. After 10 years, the Lads decide to go their separate ways.
              Mutts and Al continue to write rude songs.Muttley continues gigging as The Macc Lad.

Feb 92: Muttley changes S. Git's name in the phone book to S.Rushdie. Mutts is rewarded with
              free kebabs for life by the Iranian takeaway on Sunderland St.

Mar 92: The Beater returns to Goa to become a film star.
             He stars in the Indian western Poppadum Cassidy,
             and in the hotel comedy Balti Towers.

Apr 92: Stez opens a barber's in Liverpool specialising in crap perms for scousers.
              He calls it "Seigfried Buffoon".

May 92: Sex Pies and Videotape released by Polygram.
               It is short and slightly ruder than St Winifrid's School Choir.

Jun 92: SP&V appears on several TV shows.
             Muttley is disgusted, and turns down offers to appear on Wogan and Blue Peter.

Jul 92: The Macc Lad Tour starts at Doncaster. Fans fail to notice that there is no band, and
            dance, spit and throw beer, piss, bottles and vomit regardless. Just like old times.

Aug 92: Gordon's Takeaway is closed down by Health and Safety Officers.
             Someone found fur in their cod fillet and complained. Must have been a tourist.

Sep 92: Muttley's skull is split by 'an object' thrown during a gig in North Wales. He finishes the              gig, but only just gets back before last orders. He has to stop in Chester for a blood
             transfusion and surgery from the machine that goes 'ping'.

Oct 92: Stez returns to Walton following a misunderstanding in a public lavatory.
             Apparently the vicar was talking about tabernacles and church organs.

Nov 92: The Beater's film career in Bollywood is flourishing. He stars alongside Curry Grant
             in Pilau Talk, and has a screen-test for 9½ Sikhs.

Dec 92: Hectic House evacuated and Sunderland St sealed off. Police receive a bomb threat.
             A suitcase is found in the alley. Muttley volunteers to throw the briefcase in the canal as
             his fags are in his bedroom, and all the shops are shut. A controlled explosion destroys
             100,000 counterfeit Vietnamese Dongs.

Jan 93: Hectic House is invaded by men in suits and sunglasses. They are carrying violin cases
             and looking for Mr Git. Slimy is nowhere to be found.

Feb 93: Git found running a chain of hairdressers in Liverpool; crap perms a speciality.
              Stez sends Johnny Mard with a message for Mr Git.

Mar 93: Chorley attempts a 'comeback' with his new band Hord Urves. Stez sends Johnny Mard
              with a message. Barrel announces that he is emigrating to Thailand with his Thai fiancee.
              Barrel confirmed as a fat, lying cunt.

Apr 93: Al O'Peesha has a heart attack.
           The Lads fight over his wig collection and his car.

May 93: Someone calls an ambulance.
            The Lads decide that there is no
            point in his record collection gathering dust.

Jun 93: Or his guitar.

Jul 93: Al gets a new heart, and comes home.
           The Lads commiserate about the burglary.

Aug 93: Slimy sells the rights to the Macc Lads back catalogue to a fat man with a beard from
             Canterbury, and promises one last LP.

Sep 93: Muttley recruits Winston Dread as the new drummer. Winston does not have any drums,
             but claims to have riddim. Whatever that is. O'Peesha becomes the guitarist when Slimy
             sells him a left handed guitar just like the one that was stolen.

Oct 93: Johnny Mard- now the hardest man in Macc- tells Slimy that he would like to join.
             Slimy tells the Lads that this is a splendid idea. Rehearsals begin when the pub shuts.

Nov 93: All LPs are re-released on CD with extra tracks, along with a compilation of out-takes
             An Orifice and a Genital. San Marino knock England out of the World Cup.

Dec 93: New album recorded on Dec 17th. Songs include Rockweilers, Dirty Glass
            and Hen  Night. The Lads play a one-off Christmas gig in Nottingham.

Jan 94: Lads in court over 'racism' on the 0891 line. A line from Frogbashing is quoted:
            'Back to Dover in the old land rover, ten frogs in the back- a good day's shooting.'

Feb 94: Court Ruling: The song is an incitement to racial hatred. Git fined. Muttley supplies the
             court with more tapes: Stez's cell has a spare bed, and he is keen to see Slimy again.

Mar 94: Trouble with visas for Middle East tour: dates in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Qatar are
             scrapped when officials discover that the word 'alcohol' might get mentioned.
             Amir for the Beer Tour posters are torn down.

Apr 94: Alehouse Rock released and the tour begins in Timperley.
            Killingman Giro becomes top roadie after out-farting,
            out-eating and out-girthing Nevis in an obesity competition.

May 94: The tour goes round the country, taking in Northampton, Doncaster, London, Bristol,
              Preston, Wolverhampton, Poole, Glasgow and Edinburgh- where Killingman Giro does a
              bellyflop into the crowd, injuring 27 ginger people.

Jun 94: Bad news for Slimy:- The insurance company refuse to pay-up for the crash after the
             Wolves gig. While adjusting his wig, O'Peesha smacks Slimy's car into the back of the
             band's van. K2 and Giro catapult through the windscreen and write off both vehicles.
             Winston Dread is impaled by an axle, but still manages to nick the stereo.

Jul 94: In Derby, Dread bets Mard that he can't drink 48 cans of Special Brew and still play the
            gig. Mard accepts. With his winnings, Dread buys some 'wicked sounds'.
             .....Whatever they are....

Aug 94: Slippery Git is replaced by Igor on the teeshirt stall for the gig in Banbury.
              Igor writes his own sign: 'T-SHERTS £5 VIDIOES £10 eech'.

Sep 94: Igor is retained for further concerts. At Leicester, Slimy gives him new merchandise to
             sell..... rhododendrons, nasturtiums, and chrysanthemums.

Oct 94: The concert at the Oldham Coliseum Theatre is widely believed to be the finest gig the
            band ever performed. Slimy Git begs to differ, as he is given the bill for the damaged seats,
            bar, stage, carpet, roof, walls, doors, and potted plants.

Nov 94: The Lads arrive for a gig in Belfast to find religious protesters outside the venue.
             Someone steals Muttley's boots, so he performs in borrowed pink pumps. Dead hard.

Dec 94: A new record at the Marquee: Comedian Malcolm Hardee sets the record for the shortest
             set by a support act. He takes the stage in a blizzard of gob, piss, beer and bottles;
             gets his knob out; and sings Nessun Dorma... For 63 seconds.

THE BITTER END

Jan 95: Due to expanding waistlines, greying hair, fatherhood, and senility, the Lads decide that
              this will be their last year. Slimy Git gets busy booking a world tour.

Feb 95: A gig in Austria turns out to be a nazi rally- support acts include It Never Happened;
            Six Million and One; and Zeig Heil. Winston Dread is not a happy bunny.

Mar 95: Photo booth fun as the Lads get their pictures taken for their US visas. Killingman Giro
             sits on Winston, while the lads scrub that ridiculous boot polish off his face.

Apr 95: Horror:
            Macc Town win the league, but are barred from the Div 3.
            The Lads retire to the Bear's Head to discuss strategy.
            Double horror:
            The Bear's Head has closed down.
            The Lads retire to the White Lion for a crisis meeting;
            only to find that they're still barred after that business
            when Maradona handled the ball.

May 95: The US tour. Of 347 passengers on the plane, only three were refused entry. The Arab
             terrorists? The IRA fundraisers? Or the musicians from Macc? The Lads are sent home
             without playing a note, and are now banned from an entire continent.

Jun 95: Slimy returns from US with some Macc Lads LPs that no one has ever seen before;
             including Taking the 'O' out of Country and Beer,Beer We Want more Beer.

Jul 95: Another strange record arrives in the post. A German cover version of Sweaty Betty.
           The Lads decide it sounds ruder in German, and plan an invasion.

Aug 95: Slimy invites the whole gang to a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Beer & Sex.
             High ticket prices (to keep out the riff-raff) means that nobody turns up.

Sep 95: Lads invade Germany. Muttley fulfils a lifetime ambition-
             He tells a joke in German and gets no laughs whatsoever.

Oct 95: From their dressing room in Berlin, Mard and Dread pour piss on the queue outside.
            Muttley shouts: "Sie sind Arschficken, und sine Muttern stink von Weasel Piss!"
            The fans shout: "Shut up and let us in- we're from Wythenshawe."

Nov 95: Git attempts to round up the whole gang for one last gig. McCavity, Styx, Beater,              Chorley, Barrel, Lockstock, K2, Mungo, Knobby, Sandbach, Slob, Big Ears, Noddy,
             and Cheeky Monkey all refuse to accept reversed charge calls.

Dec 95: The Lads played their 500th and last gig at Rock City, Nottingham, on Dec 4th 1995.