Macc. English Dictionary


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Jan 87: Macc Lads appear in Fiesta, a regular cartoon strip begins, and the Lads get to play
             with all the models' unfeasibly large bosoms.

Feb 87: After 3 years of trying, a gig in Blackpool ends with so much damage that the Lads are
             banned again. Lockstock joins Barrel in the roadcrew. St Valentine's Day gig in Macc
             (as The Cheshire Chaps) is banned by the police.

Mar 87: Ben Nevis (6'10" & 24st) becomes top roadie by eating Barrel in an obesity competition.
             The Lads are banned from Colchester. This upsets them a dead lot.

Apr 87:A new album is recorded at Bald Eagle's. Tracks include Julie the Schooly, Uncle
            Knobby, & Got to be Gordon's.
Offers from record companies trickle in.

May 87: HH7 Bitter, Fit Crack released on cassette only. Bob Geldof objects to one song,
              (Feed Your Face), & attempts to stop the LP being released. All record company offers
               are withdrawn, a court case looms. Lads banned from Hull (again).

Jun 87: Barrel's Round - the Video recorded. Lads appear in Viz for the first time. 1500 HH7
             cassettes sold in one month, through one shop, but Slimy is barred from pressing vinyl,
             or distributing outside Macc.

Jul 87: Slimy wins the court case.
           Slippery is seen burning some negatives.
           New deals are signed with RCA and FM records.
           HH7 appears in shops nationwide.


Aug 87: The Beater wrecks a recording studio in Salford. He is furious that engineer, "Porky Pig",
              can't make his guitar sound 'evvy metal.' Six songs are used for the Filthy Fat &
cassette: including Fat Bastard & Eh Up! Let's Sup!

Sep 87:" Get off Your Arse" Tour begins in Blackburn. Bitter, Fit Crack released on vinyl.
              The Blackpool gig is banned (again). The Lads plan to play on a wagon. Police threaten to
               arrest them. The Lads play anyway. The police do nothing. The police are interviewed
               and say that the Lads never turned up... A video of the gig appears on Three Bears.

Oct 87: The tour attracts huge crowds. In Bristol and Leicester, more people are outside than in.
             Muttley says "Tough", Slimy is upset. Both LPs enter the Extremely Rude Chart For
             Bands with Singers Whose Names Rhyme with 'Guttley'.

Nov 87: The Lads are banned from Newcastle, Slimy cries whilst refunding all the ticket money.
              Band's van trashed by a battalion of feminist pacifists and a mince of gay rights activists-
              the latter group arrange the debris in a tasteful way that doesn't clash with anything.
              Jingle Bells 7" released after five pressing plants refuse to touch it.

Dec 87: A live album is recorded at Leeds. A smoke bomb goes off, Lockstock's arm is lacerated
              in the mayhem. Bald Eagle faints at the sight of the blood. The Lads play 2 gigs at Stoke,
              the first being a matinee for under 18's (and Uncle Knobby).





Jan 88: Hectic House raided by police who confiscate a joke plastic dog turd.
             Al O'Peesha leaves his banking job to work as band dogsbody and roadie's punchbag.

Feb 88: A new single is recorded on the 10th. Lads banned from Cleethorpes:
            ' We've had the Sex Pistols here, but the Macc Lads? No Way!" Poof.

Mar 88: Lads play two foreign gigs- Edinburgh and Wrexham- where the Bishop tries to ban them.
              An estimated 14 galls of urine are thrown at the Lads in Bristol. Beater prefers it to lager.


Apr 88: Release of Pietaster 7", Four Bleats to the Baa
            video and Sheepless Nights cassette.
            The "Gravy Train" - the Lads play outside southern
            chippies while Miss Macc serves gravy. Police run
Lads out of Northampton and London (twice).
            Titterton's issue a press release denying they
            employ 'a fat lady pie taster.'

May 88: Pietaster video appears on TV and enters the
            Charts-  (the real one with George Michael in it).
             After 5 years of trying, the Lads play a university
             (well, only London, but ...), and a gig in the North
             East (well only Sunderland, but...)


Jun 88: Court case: Crown v Muttley McLad. McLad accused of displaying a plastic dog turd in
             the shop window and thereby offending the public. Muttley argues that its a panda pooh,
             as the toy panda in the window isn't housetrained. Muttley wins!?

Jul 88: Police appeal against the panda pooh decision. All set for the House of Lords.
            Lads offered a gig in Brazil after No Sheep receives heavy airplay!?
            Chorley is having his hair done that night, so Muttley & Beater go to the pub instead.

Aug 88: Release of Live at Leeds, The Macc Lads (the who?). No 1 in some charts. No sign of it
              in other charts. Who gives a fuck? Crowds gather at Hectic House to witness the arrival of
              the new compact discs. They look like little silver records. No one has a CD player.

Sep 88: "Made in Macc" Tour: Coventry, Buckley, Scarborough, Birkenhead, Retford, Cardiff,
              Bradford, Newcastle, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh, St Andrews, Sheffield, Leicester,
              Bristol, Manchester, London, Nottingham, and Stoke. 26 booked, 19 played, 7 banned.

Oct 88: Come to Brum video recorded at Birmingham. The Lads also record special adverts.
             Ben Nevis gets to eat lots of pies. He won't know what was in them until he reads this.

Nov 88: Fun in Scotland. Is a jock still running around with someone else's ear in a plastic bag?
              Has anyone cleaned-up Nevis's vomit from the entire length of Princes St?

Dec 88: The Macc Lads unite all political parties on Worcester Council- they vote unanimously to
              ban them. A sell out gig n Leeds is banned at the last minute. The Lads hang around the
              venue all night to abuse bemused fans.
              The Beater plays his last gig before leaving for his arranged marriage in Goa.





Jan 89: The Lads find a tramp on a park bench. He can't play guitar, but he drinks vast amounts.
             Phillip 'Fast Fret' McCavity joins the band. Come to Brum video released.

Feb 89: Fast Fret's first gig ( Walsall) is banned.
             The first three videos are repackaged and
              re-released as The Three Bears.

Mar 89: The "Funny Shaped" Tour visits many revolting places, including Cambridge, Ripon,
             Portsmouth, Wolverhampton and Milton Keynes.
             Much excitement at Hectic House- crowds gather around Slimy Git's new fax machine.

Apr 89: Muttley wins the Grand National sweepstake (as usual). Lads get banned from Wigan,
            Lincoln and Bolton. Boudicea takes over the Bear's Head. The Lads are barred.
            The crisis is resolved by a call to Mr Methane.

May 89: The Retford gig goes down in history as the hottest ever. Fleets of ambulances ferry away
               unconscious fans, drumskins sag and guitars refuse to tune up. The Lads get a day out at
               Wembley, but Macc Town lose... A journalist is kidnapped and deposited 60 miles away
               - for trying to get a gig banned.

Jun 89: From Beer to Eternity recorded at Bald Eagle's on the longest day. Songs include:
             Fluffy Pup, Geordie Girl & Lady Muck. Slimy starts the ludicrously expensive 0891
             info line.Noddy & Big Ears employed to carry batteries for Git's new mobile phone.

Jul 89: A gig in Mansfield is banned at the last minute, the band invade a pub down the road,
            and play there for two nights. The Lads return from Torquay to find Hectic House nostril
            deep in raw sewage. Feminists have blocked the drains with over sized tampons.

Aug 89: ..And Drinking Partners released, featuring the Lads, Eddie Shit and Fatman, Turner,
              Overweight. Noddy and Big Ears get wed. McCavity slept through August.

Sep 89: From Beer to Eternity released. McCavity wakes up for the 5 minutes it is in the charts.
            (The real chart, with George Michael in it). Extra blubber is recruited for the forthcoming
             tour. The impressive weight list now reads: Ben Nevis, Mungo, Barrel, Lockstock,
             Mussolini, Tanky & Blub. In all, over 2000lbs of lard.

Oct 89: One Foot in the Gravy Tour begins with a ban in Portsmouth. Liverpool gig is filmed-
             the Lads dress-up as heavy metal muthers. Chorley becomes attached to his spandex
             and make-up, many roadies are called in to persuade him to change.

Nov 89: At Newcastle, the Lads are required to smash the nation's supply of Newcy Brown                bottles with their skulls. Articles thrown at the Birmingham concert include ceramic
               tiles, gloss paint, sinks, scaffolding, and a toilet seat .... followed by the toilet.

Dec 89: Quality of Mersey video and Jingle Bells single released. Nevis has to be chipped out
              of the back of the van after a five hour blizzard on the Yorkshire Moors. 8th birthday gig
              at Preston. Parole board meets in Liverpool. Chorley legs it.





Jan 90: Stez is back. Stez Styx returns to claim his drummer's throne. Chorley the not so Hord
              is in hiding. Rumour has it that he now runs a wool shop in Kilmarnock.

Feb 90: Stez plays his first gig in 5 years at Fat Freddy's party in Edinburgh. Lads banned from
             Ayr Pavilion. Customers at Hectic House complain that Stez shits in a bucket, carries it
             through the shop, and pesters them for 'snout.'

Mar 90: After a not very secret gig in Stoke, The Stez is Back- Spring Offensive Tour begins
              with two nights at the Marquee. Fans outside are unwittingly involved in the Poll Tax Riot,
              when police attempt to arrest the whole queue.

Apr 90: The Lads play in Hull (at last), North Wales and Cumbria- where a record number of
            pints of piss are thrown. The Lads feature in a centre page spread in Sunday Sport.

May 90: McCavity wakes up on a foreign beach. He was hitching to Colwyn Bay, but the driver
             heard: "Tampa Bay." Fast Fret teaches the colonies how to drink beer and talk proper.

Jun 90: McCavity returns in time to get thrown out of Cheltenham- where the first bag of hot sick
             is chucked at the band. Ben Nevis becomes landlord of the Bear's. The front door is
             widened, and McCavity gets free beer for life. Stuart Pearce misses a penalty.

Jul 90: Fast Fret suffers alcoholic poisoning,
           Stez calls him a poof, and sets off for Goa, India.
           Slimy Git is shocked at the price of air travel,
           and decides to mend the Viva instead.

Aug 90: Stez Styx battles through Iraq (twice) and returns with an illegal immigrant in the boot.
             Kicking and squealing, the Beater is shown the difference between guitars and sitars and
             his dot is removed. Filming of The Beer Necessities. Beater gets a council house.

Sep 90: LP recorded at Baldy's on Sep 3rd. Songs include Alcohol, McCavity, and Sweeper.
             Sandbach eats the contents of an ashtray hidden in a kebab. He vows to:
             'Put the wop's windows through'.

Oct 90: Sandbach claims to have bricked the kebab house window. Remarkably, no one notices
            it has been broken. Including the owner.Bach is confirmed as a stupid fat lying cunt, and
            given a job. Eddie Shit, Stella Strict and Mr Methane are signed-up for the tour.

Nov 90: The Beer Necessities is released on LP MC CD VHS and T-Shirt. Bog n Roll Circus
             Tour begins in Liverpool. At Bristol, 56 laxatives are hidden in a pie. Sandbach eats the
             pie. At 4am, the Lads leave Bach shitting in a dark country lane.

Dec 90: The Tour continues, and Bach continues to be left behind in odd places. In Manchester,
             Bach is hospitalised after falling in the crowd, and Mutts is electrified by beer chucked in
             the mains. There is a blackout , and most of the gig is drums and crowd only.

Jan 91:

Images              Gordon's                A to Z of Macc Culture               Hectic House