BEERSEXCHIPS N GRAVYMACC
Macc. English Dictionary
PREHISTORIC TIMES

HISTORY OF THE MACC LADS - I

 

1982   1983  1984   1985   1986   1987   1988   1989   1990   1991   1992   1993   1994  1995

 

APRIL 1977- 3 bands perform at Macc's first punk concert at Glegg St Hall. Nine spotty kids:
                       The Gutterpress (Ray No, Johnny Mard, Wilbur Clough)
                       The Scum (Stez Styx, The Beater, Bammy the Bamster) and..
                       The Lemmingth (Pott Shrigley, Muttley McLad, Cheeky Monkey).
                       No one gets paid. Organiser: Mr S.Git.

Dec 81: Muttley finds a Vauxhall Viva on the tip. The Lads make a recording of Boddies...

 

ARGY BARGY

1982

Jan 82: Macc Lads play at Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club in London. They write Twenty Pints in
             the dressing room, and play both songs twice. They have yet to be invited back.

Feb 82: Wilbur Clough turns into a poof. Lads record Now He's a Poof & Do You Love Me?
             Slimy Git sells Wilbur some life assurance.

Mar 82: Lads record Eh Up! & Lads From Macc.
             Wilbur Clough run over by 'A rusty car with a vinyl roof.'


Apr 82:
Argentina invades the Falklands. Lads record Buenos Aires & Failure.
            Virgin offer a deal. Stez declines, deciding Mr Branson is a poof. Slimy Git unhappy.

May 82: One Gallon cassette released. Melody Maker describe it as:
             'The most lewd, offensive and humorous offering of the year.'

Jun 82: Infamy spreading. The bans begin. Pott Shrigley arrested for sheep molesting.

Jul 82: Lads discover Al O'Peesha's hair is really a wig.

Aug 82: Sweaty Betty taken over by the National Truss.
             Lads banned from the Rock Garden in London after a Gay Rights protest.

Sep 82: Lads record Jingle Bells & Blackpool at a studio in Duckinfield.
             Fellatio Nell opens her famous cheese shop.

Oct 82: Twenty Pints -The Video recorded at the Red Lion. Many ferrets appear.

Nov 82: Uncle Knobby arrested in Athey St playground.
             Lads banned from Huddersfield Poly after violence at gig.

Dec 82: Slimy Git releases Minge Pies & Mistletoe Xmas cassette. Sales figures unknown-
             he does not want to concern the Lads with 'financial mundanities'

 

THE MOST BANNED BAND

1983

 

Jan 83: The Beater is dumped by Miss Macclesfield as he shares a house with 43 relatives,
              eats with his fingers and doesn't use toilet paper.

Feb 83: The Lads receive 40p each for a gig in London. A nightclub owner is found battered
              on the Northbound M6. Slimy sends a postcard from the Canaries.

Mar 83: The Beater spotted at VD clinic after a gig in Huddersfield. Cassette sales reach 2000.
             Slimy Git holidays in USA.

Apr 83:'Lemon Kelly's' in Macc wrecked after a gig. Manager's nose and barman's arm broken.
           LK's closes down. Lads banned from Macc for 2 years.

May 83: Cheeky Monkey gains access to the nurses home.
             Chorley the Hord visits from Middlesbrough and is inaugurated

Jun 83: Eh Up! LP recorded in Duckinfield. Songs include Sweaty Betty, Get Weavin', Baggy
            Anne,
& Saturday Night. No record companies will touch it with a shitty stick.

Jul 83: Charlotte voted 'Biggest Slag in Macc' for 2nd year running. With no takers for the LP,
            Slimy Git warns of financial doom. He cuts the Lads' wages and sells a helicopter.

Aug 83: Stez emigrates to London. He stays 45 minutes.
             Slimy relents and allows the Lads to run up tabs in his pubs.

 

Sep 83: The Beater in hospital with a poisoned liver.

Oct 83: Bammy the Bamster treated for burns to the posterior.

Nov 83: Cheeky Monkey escapes from the nurses home.
            He is very thin.

Dec 83: Beater out of hospital. The band start gigging again.
            The infamous trip to Blackpool.

 

THE GREAT BOGROLL FAMINE

1984

Jan 84: Official:- Stez has reduced the homosexual population of Macc to zero,
             (though rumour has it that there is a bloke in Bollington who drinks halves).

Feb 84: Slimy Git absconds with the takings from the 100 Club gig. The search for Mr Git.
            Stez lets off the bloke in Bollington- (he has a note from his mum).

Mar 84: New strain of penis-ill-in found in Baggy Anne's cleavage.
             The search for Mr Git is widened.

Apr 84: Slimy Git found under the floorboards of a sweetshop in Hull.

May 84: Dick Edd drinks 20 pints of Old Tom.
             He is blind for one month.

Jun 84: The Beater receives a record number of Father's Day cards
            and goes back into hospital-   with suspected AIDS. Stez disowns him.

Jul 84: Mr Git allowed out of intensive care. Stez buys rubber gloves for poofbashing.
           The Beater diagnosed as "whinging hypochondriac" and discharged.

Aug 84: Basher Braithwaite's sister becomes pregnant. Muttley is suspected.

Sep 84: Muttley gets married. The Lads refuse to speak to him. Ray No washes the Viva for
             the first (and only) time. It is brown. Bammy wins the sweep.

Oct 84: Muttley gets divorced.

Nov 84: The New Delhi opens in Macclesfield.

Dec 84: The Great Toilet Roll Famine. Lads not on speaking terms. Git organises a sell out gig
             in Manchester,(in aid of an 'unnamed charity'). Muttley starts gigging as The Macc Lad.

 

BEER & SEX & CHIPS N GRAVY

1985

Jan 85: Stez and Muttley involved in a vicious brawl: two pubs destroyed. Stez wins on points.
             One wing of Git Mansions gutted by a mysterious fire. Police search for: 'a miserable
             Asian in a leather jacket.'

Feb 85: Cheeky Monkey's climbing frame is demolished by 'a rusty car with a vinyl roof'.
              Muttley accuses the Beater of being a Pakki.

Mar 85: The Beater accuses Stez of being homophobic.

Apr 85: Beater allowed out of the oxygen tent.
             Ray No and Pott Shrigley both injured by stale pies at a football match.

May 85: Muttley convicted of assault with a dangerous weapon- a fine and suspended sentence.
               Slimy Git in receipt of a large insurance cheque.

Jun 85: Slimy Git forms Hectic House Records. He offers the Lads 100 pints to make a record.
             Lads immediately back on speaking terms.

Jul 85: A government grant is secured to finance the new record (the smallprint of Git's contract).
            Young Man applies to become a Macc Lad.

Aug 85: Beer & Sex & Chips 'n' Gravy recorded at Bald Eagle's on the 22nd. Lads begin a
             European tour. Stez shows Young Man how to offend foreigners. The Lads are banned,
             and only play the Antwerp show.

Sep 85: Lads banned from a strip club in Bury for being too rude.
             The Beater teaches Young Man how to pull crack.

Oct 85: EMI refuses to press the LP. A PR woman resigns- refusing to have anything to do with
             'those boys'. Stez arrested for bashing more than his fair share of poofs.

Nov 85: After 2 years, the Lads do a gig in Macc with Cheeky Monkey playing drums.
             After lessons from Muttley, Young Man drinks his first unassisted pint. He is inaugurated,
             buys an afro wig, and adopts the name Winston Dread.

Dec 85: Manchester Gallery gig is slyly videoed by Slimy Git.
             Beer & Sex & Chips n Gravy released on Xmas Eve.

FINES FEES & FAT MPs

1986

Jan 86: MP Geoffrey Dickens tells the press about the government grant:
             'Surely it must be illegal?' ...Stez sent down.

Feb 86: The 'Grant Issue' is plastered all over the media, and questions asked in the Commons.
             The grant is withdrawn. The Lads are fined 2000, Mr Git disappears.
'You are promoting an obscene record which we do not consider suitable for public support.'

Mar 86: Muttley back in court, a mystery figure pays his fine- allowing the Lads to go on tour.
             In Stez's absence, Johnny Mard is voted 'Hardest Man in Macc.'

Apr 86: The first Macc Lads teeshirts appear. Git is suspected.
            Lads thrown off 'Busman's Holiday' TV programme for naughtiness.
            Barrel becomes top roadie, after beating Slob in an obesity competition.

May 86: Muttley's head is split open (for the 1st time) by a bottle whilst onstage in Ashton.
             He claims not to have noticed. The Lads appear on local TV and radio in Cornwall,
             and are promptly banned from the county.

Jun 86: Lads banned from Blackpool, but Slimy signs a new deal with 'a consortium of Fylde
            businessmen who wish to remain anonymous.' Buenos Aires revived at concerts after
            England are knocked out of the World Cup by a cheating Argy git.

Jul 86: Cheeky Monkey visits Chester Zoo with his climbing frame and a large tub of KY jelly.
            He has not been seen since. After a visit from Gitco Protection, Chorley the Hord
            decides he would rather play drums than see all those puppies die.

Aug 86: New single recorded at Bald Eagle's. The Beater is suspended for holding hands with
             a girly in public.Knobby plays guitar.(Recordings of Knutsford, Verse LIX, & Pass Me a
             Hammer (there's a fly on the baby's head),
go missing . Git is suspected.)

Sep 86: The single Eh Up! released. 'Beat the Bans' tour begins- the Lads play on a wagon in               towns where they are banned. They are arrested 7 times for breach of the peace.
              Granada TV do a short documentary. It has a lot of bleeps in it.

Oct 86: After a concert, Slimy is accused of stealing the entire contents of a Brighton pub.
            Git hides the evidence- in Barrel. After a stomach pump, Barrel cannot explain the
            presence of 4 bottles of whisky, 2 crates of ale, a box of cigars, 6 wicker chairs, a fruit
            machine and a packet of crisps.

Nov 86: EMI sue the Lads for breach of copyright.
            All copies of Eh Up! to be burned.
            The Lads burn the records outside EMI's offices
             in a bonfire night gig.

Dec 86: The Lads' 5th birthday, and the Gary Glitter Tour.
             They get to touch his vast belly, and Knobby slips a few snapshots onto his computer
             (which hasn't been invented yet).

Jan 87:

Images              Gordon's                A to Z of Macc Culture               Hectic House