The Macc Lads

FAVOURITE GIGS

Slimy Git:-
Without doubt the best Macc Lads tour ever was
Amir For the Beer in 1994.
The whole tour was banned, but I was paid up front.
Naturally, I have placed the Lads' share of the
proceeds in a trust fund for their old age.

Chorley the Hord:-
'Boro Town Hall.
All me old mates from school turned up and they all said I was dead good.
And loads of birds wanted to shag me.
And we had loads of beer and afterwards there was jellies and ice cream
and it was dead good.
And the one in Liverpool where we got to dress up in nice spandex and wear make-up.
That was dead good too.

Stez Styx:-
Salisbury, 1991.
When we first started we had these teeny PAs and the sound kind of dribbled out.
But by the time this gig came around, I had 4K pointing up my arse.
Every time I kicked the bass drum, it hurt. I was yelling:
"Louder! Louder!" at Neil, "I want spinal damage!"
I was twatting fuck out of the snare, - each time I hit it, me liver burst.
Me ear drums split when I smacked the cymbals,
and when I belted the tom-toms, me ribcage exploded.
It was fucking brilliant.

Winston Dread:-
Oldham Coliseum, 1994.
Sometimes every ting go right, innit? Me an' Mard have dis big scrap on
de stage, an' I kicking him dead hard in de bollocks, an' him go down. Sackaspuds. Respeck.

The Beater:-
None of 'em. They were all crap.

Johnny Mard:-
We played the Princess Charlotte in Leicester a few times.
One of them was great. Good sound, great crowd, no broken strings.
Loads of gob and beer flying around, but no bogroll in the toilets, so, for once,
no fucking paper maché shite on me fretboard.
Usually I get the number of pints wrong before we go on.
I line them all up in the dressing room, and think:
"Hmm, thirteen, fourteen....that should do it..."
Then we're half way through, and I go:
"Shit! Didn't drink enough!"
This gig, I got it just right. Perfect.

Phil McCavity:-
I can't remember any of them. Not one.
But we had a great grease stop on the way back from Preston once,
where I won the Grease Championship:
18 sausages, 18 bacon, double chips, double beans, double mushrooms,
eight black puddings, six eggs, toast, fried bread, tomatoes, two teas, and a penguin.
Twice.
Beat that you fat bastards.

Neil Axminster:-
The best gig I ever saw them do was almost the last one. Everything was just right.
It was in Leipzig, of all places. They were tremendous. But the crowd were great.
They sang all the lyrics, but none of them spoke a word of English:
"Vell she vore bik nikkus und she verked on der sewage farm..."
Teutonically tremendous.

Knobby:-
Shelley's, Fenton, 1986.
"I took all my clothes off and lay on the stage
in all the wee and phlegm and wriggled around in it
whilst playing rude songs on my guitar.
All the audience kept their clothes on and watched."

Al O'Peesha:-
Tegg's Nose, 1986.
We played off the back of a wagon in the hills at the start of the Beat the Bans tour.
We played a dozen gigs that day, in all the towns all the way to London.
We got arrested, we got escorted out of places, and we kept on playing.
But the soundcheck at dawn, in front of 500 sheep was absolutely fantastic.

Ben Nevis:-
Wolverhampton Civic Hall, May 1989.
The crowd were going mental, and the management were telling me to get the band on the stage,
but they wouldn't go on. They were in the dressing room watching the football.
Arsenal had to beat the Scouse bastards 2-0 at Anfield to win the league.
They scored in the last minute, and Fast Fret was so fucking annoyed,
he booted the telly in, ran on the stage and played the gig of his life.
Anything that pisses Scousers off is fine by me.

Muttley:-
All five hundred.

Mungo:-
It was in Leeds, or Bradford, or somewhere round there.
I was in the pit, and this bird was squashed up against the barrier, squealing like a stuck pig.
So I tried to pull her out, and she screamed:
"Gerroff yer fat bastard!" and carried on moaning...
She was getting shagged by the bloke behind her.

Barrel:-
Wembley Stadium. I was the singer, and the Rolling Stones were the support band,
and I got loads of groupies and chips.

GORDON'S A to Z of MACC CULTURE TRUE STORIES CONCERTS

FAVOURITE GIGS
*Slimy Git:-* Without doubt the best Macc Lads tour ever was Amir For the Beer in 1994. The whole tour was banned, but I was paid up front. Naturally, I have placed the Lads' share of the proceeds in a trust fund for their old age.
*Chorley the Hord:-* 'Boro Town Hall. All me old mates from school turned up and they all said I was dead good. And loads of birds wanted to shag me. And we had loads of beer and afterwards there was jellies and ice cream and it was dead good. And the one in Liverpool where we got to dress up in nice spandex and wear make-up. That was dead good too.
*Stez Styx:-* Salisbury, 1991. When we first started we had these teeny PAs and the sound kind of dribbled out. But by the time this gig came around, I had 4K pointing up my arse. Every time I kicked the bass drum, it hurt. I was yelling: "Louder! Louder!" at Neil, "I want spinal damage!" I was twatting fuck out of the snare, - each time I hit it, me liver burst. Me ear drums split when I smacked the cymbals, and when I belted the tom-toms, me ribcage exploded. It was fucking brilliant.
*Winston Dread:-* Oldham Coliseum, 1994. Sometimes every ting go right, innit? Me an' Mard have dis big scrap on de stage, an' I kicking him dead hard in de bollocks, an' him go down. Sackaspuds. Respeck.
*The Beater:-* None of 'em. They were all crap.
*Johnny Mard:-* We played the Princess Charlotte in Leicester a few times. One of them was great. Good sound, great crowd, no broken strings. Loads of gob and beer flying around, but no bogroll in the toilets, so, for once, no fucking paper maché shite on me fretboard. Usually I get the number of pints wrong before we go on. I line them all up in the dressing room, and think: "Hmm, thirteen, fourteen....that should do it..." Then we're half way through, and I go: "Shit! Didn't drink enough!" This gig, I got it just right. Perfect.
*Phil McCavity:-* I can't remember any of them. Not one. But we had a great grease stop on the way back from Preston once, where I won the Grease Championship: 18 sausages, 18 bacon, double chips, double beans, double mushrooms, eight black puddings, six eggs, toast, fried bread, tomatoes, two teas, and a penguin. Twice. Beat that you fat bastards.
*Neil Axminster:-* The best gig I ever saw them do was almost the last one. Everything was just right. It was in Leipzig, of all places. They were tremendous. But the crowd were great. They sang all the lyrics, but none of them spoke a word of English: "Vell she vore bik nikkus und she verked on der sewage farm..." Teutonically tremendous.
*Knobby:-* Shelley's, Fenton, 1986. "I took all my clothes off and lay on the stage in all the wee and phlegm and wriggled around in it whilst playing rude songs on my guitar. All the audience kept their clothes on and watched."
*Al O'Peesha:-* Tegg's Nose, 1986. We played off the back of a wagon in the hills at the start of the Beat the Bans tour. We played a dozen gigs that day, in all the towns all the way to London. We got arrested, we got escorted out of places, and we kept on playing. But the soundcheck at dawn, in front of 500 sheep was absolutely fantastic.
*Ben Nevis:-* Wolverhampton Civic Hall, May 1989. The crowd were going mental, and the management were telling me to get the band on the stage, but they wouldn't go on. They were in the dressing room watching the football. Arsenal had to beat the Scouse bastards 2-0 at Anfield to win the league. They scored in the last minute, and Fast Fret was so fucking annoyed, he booted the telly in, ran on the stage and played the gig of his life. Anything that pisses Scousers off is fine by me.
*Muttley:-* All five hundred.
*Mungo:-* It was in Leeds, or Bradford, or somewhere round there. I was in the pit, and this bird was squashed up against the barrier, squealing like a stuck pig. So I tried to pull her out, and she screamed: "Gerroff yer fat bastard!" and carried on moaning... She was getting shagged by the bloke behind her.
*Barrel:-* Wembley Stadium. I was the singer, and the Rolling Stones were the support band, and I got loads of groupies and chips.
GORDON'S A to Z of MACC CULTURE TRUE STORIES CONCERTS