The Macc Lads

SCHOOLDAYS

*HEADMASTER-* Ah! The Gang... Bamster, Barrel, Giro, McLad, Mard, Monkey, Mungo, Nevis, Shrigley, Singh, Stock and Styx... see me afterwards... Sorry, it sort of rolls off the tongue. Yes, an unforgettable group.... naughty? Oh, no, far from it. Model pupils. Without exception. In any other year, I would say that any one of them would have passed out top of their class. Take Mard. J: -In any other year, he would have walked away with a first in Bullying. However, sharing a class with Styx S, he had to settle for second place.
*WINSTON DREAD-* I remember dat lot at school. Dey was de big kids, an' dem years above I. An dey pick on me, just coz I little and black. Even Singh- (The Beater to you)- 'im used to give me good hidings innit? Him was always bottom of him class in Racism. One day, I jiving down de corridor, on me way to Double Bigotry, innit? An de Beater, him shout: "Oi, nigger, come 'ere, I'm goin' beat thee up!" So I shout, "Want some of this, pakki?" And I fucking leathered him. All de teachers, dey was egging me on, and after de scrap, we both got let off Swearing, for showing initiative. Innit?
*THE BEATER-* I hated that lot at school. In fact school was completely shit. They were all teacher's pets. Except me. I got caught once, round the back of the bikesheds with the Koran, when I should have been in Smoking. I had to stay behind and practise Underage Drinking for an hour. Dread? I remember him, little shit. He thought he was the only black kid in the school, but he didn't even have a tan! He used to come out of Racism, and he remembered everything: "Oi, Beater! Don't let yer kids play in the sand pit, or the cat'll bury 'em." Fucking swot.

*BAMMY THE BAMSTER-* The Beater and Pott Shrigley were real rebels at school. Wednesday afternoons was free periods. We used to go into the precinct and hang around being loud and threatening, or we'd go to the pub. Beater and Shrigs used to sneak off to the library. Later, they had guitars and used to practise heavy chords. But you couldn't sprag on them, coz they were mates. Anyway, they got Muttley and Mard involved later on. They all skived off Sexism one week, and had a band practise. Dead naughty.
*KILLINGMAN GIRO-* School was good. I liked it. It was a shame to leave. I liked the dinners. I even quite liked the lessons I wasn't very good at. Like English. Muttley was brilliant at English. He used to let me crib off him. Stuff like- 'Complete the rhyme:"The wench was on the fo'csul, I tied her to the futtocks"....' I mean, I was clueless with stuff like that, all that Olde Worlde crap. Knobby was good at it too. I remember him doing that poem... " The tale 'twas a bodice ripper, I came across all pervy, Her minge stank like a rotting kipper, I licked around her scurvy." Muttley used to say, 'If in doubt;- it rhymes with "cunt" -OK?' So I did, and I passed.
*MUNGO-* Come to think of it, why was Knobby there? What the fuck was a middle aged crusty pervert doing in our class at Primary School?

*BENJAMIN NEVIS-* Me, Barrel and Giro were good mates at school. We were all a bit swotty, especially in Drinking, Overeating and Football Hooliganism. Barrel was good at Lying as well.
*BARREL-* No I wasn't.
*JOHNNY MARD-* I remember the final exams. We were all dead excited. Stez was favourite for the Bullying Prize, but I thought I stood a chance. Fucking good prize it was too. The teachers put all these queers, vegetarians, windowlickers and paraplegics in the hall, and the winner got to kick fuck out of them for half an hour. Brilliant. None of them could fight back.
*POTT SHRIGLEY-* You hear about all these popstars who got expelled from school, - some people used to call us 'teacher's pets' and 'swots' and that. But our's was a good school, and I knew if I did well, I'd get a really good job when I left. You know, a bouncer, a hooligan, or maybe even a vagrant.
*STEPHEN STYX-* The Bullying Prize? Everyone wanted to win that. Giro won the Drinking one a couple of times, Mutts usually won Swearing or English, I think Beater won the Shagging once or twice... but I always won the Bullying. And that was the big one.
*LOCKSTOCK-* Final Exams: we thought Mard could win the Bullying Prize, and we rooted for him. Anyway, the venue for the exam was a big secret, and it turned out to be a chippy. Of course Stez had an advantage straight away, he'd been practising in chippies, I think Mard had been concentrating on pubs and taxi ranks. Mard went first. He pushes to the front of the queue, threatens a few people, leaves without paying, and nuts this bloke on his way out. Impressive. But when Styx went in, it was like a whirlwind. The first bloke he put down was the examiner! Fucking class. We were all in awe, watching the master at work. Bodies flying through the window, gravy everywhere. Stez walks out, the place is in flames, and we all gasped:- He'd forgotten his chips! Mard goes up to shake Stez's hand. Styx boots Mard in the nuts and nicks his chips. Pure genius.

*MUTTLEY McLAD-* I admit it. I was a swot at school. I didn't get expelled, none of us did, I even enjoyed homework. Yes, I was a prefect, and a jazzmag monitor, and captain of the football team. Well, captain for a while, until one game when Stez didn't turn up. At the end of the game, the teacher had a right go at me, coz about four of their players were still breathing. Surprisingly, I wasn't very good at Manners. I lost a lot of marks in me exams: "Four bitters! Thanks. Oops!" I don't know how, but I used to blurt out these pleasantries all the time: "Oi! Where's me fuckin' chips you fat slapper?" "Here you are!" "Cheers, Mum... Shit! Done it again."
*CHORLEY THE HORD-* I went to a different school from those jessies. School of the street, me. It was dead rough. I got pinched dead hard on the arm once because I wouldn't let this other girl crib me knitting homework. All the real lads did flower arranging, coz it was a skive. You got to go in the fields and pick any flowers you wanted. And, if it rained, we could stay indoors and finish our crochet. Once, I'd done this really good bouquet. Chopper McScythe-(cock of the school)- said: "Your use of colours and textures in your spring meadow arrangement is far superior to my feeble attempt at recreating Monet's Watergarden!" And he snapped the head off one of me daffs. Out of spite. But I didn't cry.
*AL O'PEESHA-* I really wish I'd listened at school. Then I wouldn't be doing this shit job now. I was always getting beaten up at school, usually by enormous great fat blubberheaps. When I left school, I got a job being gobbed on and beaten up by useless fat blubbery things. So I left the bank and went to work with the Lads. And guess what? And don't bother asking Bach about school... Twenty five years old, and his mother still dresses him.
*PHILIP McCAVITY-* Our school was in a deprived area. We had to write on slates. Til one of us fell off the roof. I always came top in Re-telling Old Jokes That Weren't Funny the First Time.

GORDON'S A to Z of MACC CULTURE TRUE STORIES

SCHOOLDAYS