Ah! The Gang... Bamster, Barrel, Giro, McLad, Mard, Monkey, Mungo, Nevis, Shrigley, Singh, Stock and Styx... see me afterwards... Sorry, it sort of rolls off the tongue.
Yes, an unforgettable group.... naughty? Oh, no, far from it. Model pupils. Without exception.
In any other year, I would say that any one of them would have passed out top of their class.
Take Mard. J: -In any other year, he would have walked away with a first in Bullying.
However, sharing a class with Styx S, he had to settle for second place.
I hated that lot at school. In fact school was completely shit. They were all teacher's pets.
Except me. I got caught once, round the back of the bikesheds with the Koran, when I should have been in Smoking. I had to stay behind and practise Underage Drinking for an hour.
Dread? I remember him, little shit. He thought he was the only black kid in the school,
but he didn't even have a tan! He used to come out of Racism, and he remembered everything:
"Oi, Beater! Don't let yer kids play in the sand pit, or the cat'll bury 'em."
The Beater and Pott Shrigley were real rebels at school. Wednesday afternoons was free periods.
We used to go into the precinct and hang around being loud and threatening, or we'd go to the pub.
Beater and Shrigs used to sneak off to the library.
Later, they had guitars and used to practise heavy chords.
But you couldn't sprag on them, coz they were mates.
Anyway, they got Muttley and Mard involved later on.
They all skived off Sexism one week, and had a band practise.
Me, Barrel and Giro were good mates at school. We were all a bit swotty, especially in
Drinking, Overeating and Football Hooliganism. Barrel was good at Lying as well.
I remember the final exams. We were all dead excited. Stez was favourite for the Bullying Prize, but I thought I stood a chance. Fucking good prize it was too. The teachers put all these queers, vegetarians, windowlickers and paraplegics in the hall, and the winner got to kick fuck out of them for half an hour. Brilliant.
None of them could fight back.
You hear about all these popstars who got expelled from school, - some people used to call us 'teacher's pets' and 'swots' and that. But our's was a good school, and I knew if I did well, I'd get a really good job when I left. You know, a bouncer, a hooligan, or maybe even a vagrant.
Final Exams: we thought Mard could win the Bullying Prize, and we rooted for him.
Anyway, the venue for the exam was a big secret, and it turned out to be a chippy.
Of course Stez had an advantage straight away, he'd been practising in chippies,
I think Mard had been concentrating on pubs and taxi ranks. Mard went first.
He pushes to the front of the queue, threatens a few people, leaves without paying,
and nuts this bloke on his way out. Impressive.
But when Styx went in, it was like a whirlwind. The first bloke he put down was the examiner!
Fucking class. We were all in awe, watching the master at work.
Bodies flying through the window, gravy everywhere.
Stez walks out, the place is in flames, and we all gasped:-
He'd forgotten his chips!
Mard goes up to shake Stez's hand.
Styx boots Mard in the nuts and nicks his chips. Pure genius.