BEERSEXCHIPS N GRAVYMACC
Macc. English Dictionary
TRUE STORIES

HUDDERSFIELD, 1982


The Gospel According to Stez Styx...

We had this gig at a right shithole in Huddersfield, but in them days we got paid in beer.
So it was worth it.
We went in the Viva, I got the front seat coz the Beater was too scared to fight for it.
When we got there, there was a big pile of cans in the dressing room. So I said:
"This is my room, you two fuck off."
Can't remember anything about the gig, but we ended up at some ugly tart's house.
I think Muttley had pulled her, just so we all had somewhere to kip.
I said I'd have the spare room and got into bed. And there was a fucking Pakki in it!
So I kicked the Beater onto the floor, and went to sleep.
I woke up in the night, and the bastard was asleep with his head on me chest,
snoring and stinking of bahjis.
I was just about to kill him, when he rolls over and fucking kissed me!
The fucking twat kissed me on the shoulder!
Next thing I know Muttley's got me in a headlock shouting:
"Calm down he was only dreamin'! He didn't mean it! Now, put down the sledgehammer,
and take your foot off the Pakki... Easy now... its alright."

The Koran, According to The Beater...

This was another shit gig, in another shit pub.
We went in the Viva, which had no heating in it, and it was always breaking down.
And we wern't getting paid. Except ale.
Which means them two would drink it all.
When we got there, Stez locked himself in the beer cellar,
and by the time we found him, he'd drunk the place dry.
At least the crowd couldn't chuck ale at us.
Anyway, the drumming was crap, and that fat twat can't sing, or play bass.
But my powerchords were brilliant. As usual.
No one appreciated it, though. They just wanted to sing along with the rude bits.
I pulled this fit bird, and we all went back to hers.
We had to carry Stez, who was being sick everywhere and threatening everyone.
We chucked him on this bed, to let him sleep it off.
Then Muttley, the sad bastard, told this bird that I'd got crabs or herpes,
and she fucked me off.
So I went to sleep in Stez's room.
I woke up in the night, and the fucker's mumbling in his sleep and kissing me!
Of course, Muttley dragged me off before I killed him.