7.30am.
58, Sunderland St
Thump! Thump! Thump!
"Open up! Police!"
Eyelids glued together by 'gig juice', Muttley peered at the shapes
outside the shop.
Stupidly he opened the door.
Seconds later, he signed a receipt and went back to sleep.
10.00am.
Top Floor, 58 Sunderland St
Muttley is woken by the swish of an Armani suit and the sting of
sharp aftershave.
Slimy Git was standing in the room:
"Where's my, I mean our money? And what the fuck is this?"
Slippery produced a wad of notes from last night's teeshirt sales.
Slimy counted it with a grin.
Muttley read the receipt he vaguely remembered signing in the twilight.
The police had raided the shop and confiscated an item from the
window display:
...... Namely one joke plastic dog turd.
Several weeks
later, a summons arrived at the shop.
Muttley was being taken to court for displaying items likely to
cause offence.
"Great!" Grinned Slimy.
He put the phone down on Uncle Oily, a solicitor now residing on
the Costa Del Crime,
"You defend yourself, you lose, you'll get three months and a fine!"
"I'm not going to prison, and I can't afford a fine!" Muttley protested.
"Think of the publicity!" Slimy paced the room and gesticulated,
"The whole country will be on your side! Everyone will buy you beer
when you get out,
Stez will look after you inside, and you can pay the fine off from
the extra record sale!"
Slimy decided
that the situation warranted a trip to Uncle Oily's villa.
He returned three weeks later with a tan and a plan....
Muttley's defence would consist of the following:-
Option
1
He had not noticed the plastic dog shit in the window.
He didn't know how the plastic dog got into the shop.
Option
2
It was supposed to be panda pooh.
(the turd was placed between the legs of a stuffed panda bearing
the legend:
Hectic House- we panda to all tastes)
It was a joke, as pandas eat bamboo shoots, and lay yellow logs.
This turd was brown...
Option
3
He placed it there to offend as many people as possible
and call the judge a cunt.
The Gits recommended
(3) as a sure-fire way of being incarcerated and gaining
maximum publicity.
Al O'Peesha
favoured (1)- the newspapers would prefer the silliest story-
Muttley would still lose, and everyone would be happy.
Muttley and
Chorley agreed that (2)would appeal to birds with big tits.
The Beater
didn't care.
Friday June
24th 1988
The Lads arrived back from a concert at 5am.
At 8am Slimy arrived with a suit for Muttley to wear in court.
Al O'Peesha packed a bag of things Mutts might need in prison:-
( non droppable soap, 'snout' and a file with a cake in it).
McLad, however, was already out shopping...
10am, Court
The prosecution argued that McLad, his pop group, shop, antics,
associates,
family and body odour were a menace to society, and therefore he
should be hanged.
McLad countered with an apology for the fact that the panda was
not house-trained,
and that panda litter trays were hard to come by.
The journalists loved it. They scribbled away and grinned.
Mutts then produced a paper bag with a flourish and laid out three
identical turds:
"Tell me, Chief Inspector," Enquired McLad, "Do you find these items
offensive?"
