BEERSEXCHIPS N GRAVYMACC
Macc. English Dictionary
TRUE STORIES

JANUARY 1988

7.30am.  58, Sunderland St
Thump! Thump! Thump!
"Open up! Police!"
Eyelids glued together by 'gig juice', Muttley peered at the shapes outside the shop.
Stupidly he opened the door.
Seconds later, he signed a receipt and went back to sleep.

10.00am. Top Floor, 58 Sunderland St
Muttley is woken by the swish of an Armani suit and the sting of sharp aftershave.
Slimy Git was standing in the room:
"Where's my, I mean our money? And what the fuck is this?"
Slippery produced a wad of notes from last night's teeshirt sales.
Slimy counted it with a grin.
Muttley read the receipt he vaguely remembered signing in the twilight.
The police had raided the shop and confiscated an item from the window display:
...... Namely one joke plastic dog turd.

Several weeks later, a summons arrived at the shop.
Muttley was being taken to court for displaying items likely to cause offence.
"Great!" Grinned Slimy.
He put the phone down on Uncle Oily, a solicitor now residing on the Costa Del Crime,
"You defend yourself, you lose, you'll get three months and a fine!"
"I'm not going to prison, and I can't afford a fine!" Muttley protested.
"Think of the publicity!" Slimy paced the room and gesticulated,
"The whole country will be on your side! Everyone will buy you beer when you get out,
Stez will look after you inside, and you can pay the fine off from the extra record sale!"

Slimy decided that the situation warranted a trip to Uncle Oily's villa.
He returned three weeks later with a tan and a plan....
Muttley's defence would consist of the following:-

Option 1
He had not noticed the plastic dog shit in the window.
He didn't know how the plastic dog got into the shop.

Option 2
It was supposed to be panda pooh.
(the turd was placed between the legs of a stuffed panda bearing the legend:
Hectic House- we panda to all tastes)
It was a joke, as pandas eat bamboo shoots, and lay yellow logs. This turd was brown...

Option 3
He placed it there to offend as many people as possible
and call the judge a cunt.

The Gits recommended (3) as a sure-fire way of being incarcerated and gaining maximum publicity.

Al O'Peesha favoured (1)- the newspapers would prefer the silliest story-
Muttley would still lose, and everyone would be happy.

Muttley and Chorley agreed that (2)would appeal to birds with big tits.

The Beater didn't care.

Friday June 24th 1988
The Lads arrived back from a concert at 5am.
At 8am Slimy arrived with a suit for Muttley to wear in court.
Al O'Peesha packed a bag of things Mutts might need in prison:-
( non droppable soap, 'snout' and a file with a cake in it).
McLad, however, was already out shopping...

10am, Court
The prosecution argued that McLad, his pop group, shop, antics, associates,
family and body odour were a menace to society, and therefore he should be hanged.
McLad countered with an apology for the fact that the panda was not house-trained,
and that panda litter trays were hard to come by.
The journalists loved it. They scribbled away and grinned.
Mutts then produced a paper bag with a flourish and laid out three identical turds:
"Tell me, Chief Inspector," Enquired McLad, "Do you find these items offensive?"



"I certainly do!" Came the tart reply.

"I found all three turds in town this morning.
This one was on the outside the Police Station,
in full view, and this one was in the window of a joke shop..."
Mutts turned to Exhibit C:
".. And you find this third turd offensive?"
He brandished a turd identical to the one confiscated.

"We certainly do!" Replied the prosecution.

"I found this on display in a pet shop in the market. And you say its offensive?"
Muttley paused for effect.
"Its called a hamster treat, its made from oats and nuts...
and (chomp), mmm ... very tasty is is too!"

There was guffawing in the court as McLad munched his way through the turd and rested his case.

Slimy was a very angry Git when the Judge aquitted Muttley.
He was fuming.
The journalists were pissed off too. No story.
The Beater didn't care.
The only people who were jubilant were policemen.
"Brilliant mate! You made our boss look a right cunt!"